‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: ‘Kim Nose Best’

You know how last week “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” didn’t have even a smidgen of fighting, and it was kind of like watching Wonder Woman without her magic lasso or John Travolta without his hairpiece? Well, never fear. Everything’s back to normal, which means the women are screaming hysterically at one another, not everyone’s making sense, and a very expensive dinner is completely ruined in the process. Yay.

We pick up where we left off last week, which was with Brandi leading the other housewives in a pole dancing class for Night School 4 Girls. Of course, Adrienne isn’t there and Taylor is boring unlucky women who’ve already been abused, which leaves Marisa, Brandi’s friend Jennifer and Camille to fill in the gaps. 

First on the pole? Kyle and Camille! Kyle is torn. This could be really fun, or she’ll make a big ass of herself. I’m going to go with both, as Kyle seems to have a great deal of fun being the center of attention, and most of the time she looks like an ass when she is. Camille, of course, was a Club MTV dancer, so even though she worries she’ll look ridiculous, she doesn’t. 

Next, Yolanda and Jennifer get their shot at the poles. Can I just say that this may be an excellent workout, but beginners tend to look like spastic spider monkeys? Anyway, Yolanda wants everyone to know she has three kids. She can’t dance dirty, SHE HAS THREE KIDS! She doesn’t want to hurt her pee-pee, because SHE HAS THREE KIDS! I’m guessing she’s waiting for someone to look at her, slap their face “Home Alone” style, and marvel that such a perfect physical specimen has actually HAD THREE KIDS!

Finally, Yolanda stops worrying about her pee-pee and Marisa and Jennifer get a turn. Jennifer, who’s already had a run at reality TV on “Sober House,” is thrilled. No one’s threatening to beat her up to go do heroin in a back alley, so this is awesome! Marisa, however, is appalled. After she has someone clean her pole (which actually isn’t a bad idea), she pouts. She doesn’t do sexy, she doesn’t do poles, she does YOGA, dammit, while avoiding her husband and, I guess, his pee-pee. Poor Marisa. Actually, poor Marisa’s husband. 

Back in Los Angeles, Adrienne gets the rundown on her new collection of ugly handbags. They have her name plastered all over them! But it’s cool, because the letters are mixed up so you don’t even mind that you’re walking around with a bag that says ADRIENNE MALOOF in block print on the side, which will forever make me think of hooves for reasons that have nothing to do with Lisa’s comments. It just doesn’t have much of a ring to it, unless you’re writing a song about roofs and spoofs and being aloof. Anyway, Adrienne hopes Brandi is having fun pretending to be a stripper in Vegas. SHE has a business to run, sniff, sniff!

In Vegas, the girls pile into one of those monster limos and Kyle takes a call from her sister Kim. She wants to talk to her, but it doesn’t have to be privately. You know, she’d be fine if Kyle was in the middle of an MTA station with her on speaker, because some of those complete strangers (some of whom might be homeless and wearing black plastic bags and tin foil hats) might have some valuable input into her personal life. God knows Kyle won’t! Thus, she happily announces to Kyle and everyone that she’s thinking about getting her nose done.

Kyle brightens up, thinking Kim wants some advice. No, Kim is thinking about getting her nose done later that day, as in, she’s done all the paperwork, checked in with the doctor, and is about to go put on a little gown that ties in the back. Kyle is hurt. Kim makes some strange mewling noises about wanting to do it but being scared to do it and Kyle (along with everyone else) just tells her to have a great time getting her nose broken and they’ll pray for her. I mean, come on, this is plastic surgery in Beverly Hills! That’s like getting your nails done in Omaha!

Yolanda can’t understand why Kyle’s brushing this off so easily. But then, Yolanda doesn’t seem to know what the hell is going on with the other girls, not that that’s stopping her from butting in with her opinions. I can’t decide whether Yolanda is perfect for this show or is just completely out of her depth. 

Anyway, despite the mewling, Kim goes to get her nose fixed, as we expected (like she cared what Kyle had to say! Pfft!). She’s always felt she should be grateful for what God gave her… but she suspects God would be totally okay with this particular tweak, as she thinks it will make her happier. I think Kim may want to go to church more often, whatever church that may be. 

For the record? I think Kim had a perfectly nice nose. Worse, I can’t really tell the difference between the before nose and the after nose, which seems like a lot of suffering for little benefit. The only good thing is that the doctor is fixing her deviated septum, so it wasn’t a total waste of time. 

Because we must work Adrienne into this part of the show somehow, we watch as she sits at Paul’s desk and does her damn nails for no other reason than to piss him off, it seems. Seriously, Adrienne does her own nails? I find this so hard to believe. Anyway, his patient care coordinator wants to talk about an upcoming surgery, but he has no time! He’s having laser hair removal on his back in a few minutes; let him focus! I am thinking this is the most inappropriate use of office time ever as he waddles into a spare room to get his back hair zapped off. Also disturbing? Adrienne’s little grin every time he yelps in pain. Yeah, I’m starting to see why they got divorced. 

In Las Vegas, the girls gather for a quiet, intimate dinner in a private room so no one will hear the shrieking and cursing. Of course, things don’t start out so poorly. It’s just a fun gals’ night out! Yolanda is drinking tequila, which is always a good capper for a master cleanse, and Camille talks about doing soft porn back before she had a sugar daddy. 

Marisa spills red wine on her dress and insists on pouring white wine over the stain, as that’s how Barbra Streisand takes out red wine stains. I think Marisa just ruined a perfectly good dress, don’t you? 

First, it’s time to talk about whoever isn’t at the table…. let’s start with crazy Kim! Everyone wonders if it might be a little soon for a newly sober alcoholic to be getting a tweak followed by pain medication, and luckily Jennifer, addiction specialist to the stars (and Dr. Drew) has the answer! Yes, yes it is too soon!

So, Jennifer, what does pain medication do to an addict? “It awakens the beast,” she replies. Yolanda declares that Kim is insane and then everyone suggests they think good thoughts and pray for her and Kyle just wishes everyone would shut up. Still, they have a toast (really? A toast? With wine?) to Kim and, as Brandi puts it, her “little button nose.”  Man, the girls are being so good! Have they finally hit on the right amount of booze to make a dinner pleasant but not a ten round MMA fight?

Oh, oh they haven’t. Never mind. Camille has to say that she feels bad about Adrienne. Lisa jumps in with a cryptic comment about how you should alway remember that people aren’t interested in what you have to say; they’re interested in what you have to hide. Huh?

Brandi has a story, but she can’t tell it! She makes Jennifer tell it, as she was there. Jennifer heard Brandi talking to Camille on speaker phone, and somehow we get this long, twisted story about how Adrienne kept calling Brandi prior to the reunion show, and Camille had told Brandi that everyone knew the plan was to attack Lisa.

Camille doesn’t remember that, though. “She was upset about the hoof,” she says, then starts getting upset.  “I will not be thrown under the bus! I can handle you, but I will not stand for it!” She turns to Brandi, whose eyes are becoming anime big in confusion at what’s happening, and snaps, “Stop lying!” before storming out.  

Kyle begs Camille to come back. Camille reluctantly agrees, and seemingly takes a few deep breaks before sitting down. She concedes that perception is always problematic. Everyone at the table could hear the same thing, and yet all come away with different understandings. Really? I just thought all these women were certifiable. But she does understand that Adrienne was very upset that Lisa’s daughter didn’t have her bachelorette party at the Palms. 

Brandi then volunteers the factoid that Adrienne only owns two percent of the Palms, which everyone reacts to as if Brandi said that Adrienne is really a man or Paul likes to have sex with little boys. I don’t get it. Two percent of a Vega strip casino is probably still worth a considerable sum of money, right? I mean, the woman and her family own a sports team; we don’t think of the Maloofs as Vegas titans. No one is suggesting that Adrienne is eating out of dumpsters. Sigh.

Still, Kyle is offended! Even though she doesn’t own ANY of the Palms! She isn’t going to call Brandi on her stuff, but she tells Brandi that she knows she does lie, because she had her nose done and never tells the truth about it. Okay, hold up. In what alternate universe are we operating in? Kyle is deeply offended that Brandi made a comment about someone who isn’t even there, then says something of an even MORE private nature about Brandi, just to let her know she’d never do something like that? And I was thinking Kim was the nut job in that family!

Yolanda keeps reminding everyone that Adrienne chose not to be here, so who cares? WHO CARES? Yolanda is like a shipman on the Titanic, yelling for the captain to make a sharp turn while everyone laughs and digs into their salmon.

Then, Camille blurts out that Lisa doesn’t own Sur. Lisa slow-mo blinks in that “maybe if I close my eyes really tightly I will wake up from this ridiculous nightmare I’m having,” then informs Camille, who is owning less and less of everything she owned prior to divorcing Kelsey Grammar, that she owns 51 percent of Sur. So, she owns Sur. To her credit, Lisa does not tell Camille that she would understand this if she knew anything about business, had ever owned a business, and was not simply in the business of revealing really gross factoids about Kelsey Grammer on basic cable television. 

Yolanda tells everyone they’ve wasted three dinners screaming about this stupid topic and they just need to shut up already. Kyle screams that they aren’t screaming. Yolanda doesn’t care, as Kyle keeps bringing this crap up and it’s done! Drop it! Oh, Yolanda, I am so with you on this! Anyway, Yolanda has to go because her husband sent the private plane to pick her up and she just wants to get the hell away from these crazy women. Thus concludes are singularly bizarre evening that I don’t even want to unravel. 

So, back in L.A. Kyle whines to Kim about how she didn’t feel the need to defend Lisa, who was perfectly capable of defending herself against Camille’s Sur slurs. Lisa whines to Ken that Kyle isn’t a true friend and she defends everyone else accept her. I guess we will be seeing a Lisa and Kyle showdown at some point soon, but I’m already guessing Lisa will be the winner. In the battle of who can care less, she’s always got the upper hand, what with the British reserve and all. 

In other news, Ken gives Giggy a gig-a-tini (please, please tell me he didn’t give the dog real booze) and Kim pretends to smoke a tiny electronic cigarette because it makes her heavily bandaged nose look better. And I find a nice, hard wall to bang my head against, because, more than ever, these bitches cray-cray. 

Do you think Brandi spoke out of turn about Adrienne’s ownership of the Palms? Do you think Camille and Kyle were in the wrong for spewing information about Brandi and Lisa? Do you think all this lunacy actually made Yolanda look good?