Hey fight friends, it’s another weekend, which means it is once again time for some Ultimate Fighting Championship action! UFC Fight Night 69 takes place from Berlin, and luckily it starts at a reasonable local time, which means the prelims begin at noon on Saturday in the US. Everything is on Fight Pass, including the title fight, so make sure that subscription is up to date. Now let’s figure out who’s going to win!
Important Standings of Note:
Jessica: 412-275-4 (60%)
Burnsy: 419-255-5 (62%)
Vince: 202-131-2 (61%)
Ryan: 10-5-1 (66%)
Danny: 161-77-1 (67%)
Spilled: 81-60-2 (57%)
Sydnie: 16-12 (57%)
Chris: 44-15-2 (74%)
NY Ric: 36-26-1 (57%)
Ghost: 6-7 (46%)
Seth: 32-15 (68%)
Biss: 41-39-1 (51%)
Jared: 63-39-1 (62%)
Melanie: 21-10 (68%)
Bantamweight – Taylor “Double Impact” Lapilus vs Yuta “Ulka” Sasaki
Jessica: Both guys are grapple-heavy with a lot of submission wins. Sasaki has more experience, and on the surface, a JCVD movie sounds like the better nickname, but “Ulka” means goblin, which is fairly solid, too. Lapilus took a decision against Rocky Lee, while Sasaki tapped Roland Delorme, but was then submitted by Leandro Issa. With all of that information jumbling around inside the stew pot I call my brain, I’m coming up with Sasaki to win by third round submission.
Burnsy: Sasaki had a really impressive UFC debut and then looked like a jobber in his next fight. Lapilus, on the other hand, uses the title of the greatest Van Damme movie ever made as his nickname. So I just cannot pick against that.
Lightweight – Piotr “Pletwal” Hallmann vs Magomed Mustafaev
Jessica: I don’t like that Hallmann beat My Main Man Yves Edwards. That, plus Mustafaev beating Khabib Nurmagomedov’s brother (I think) means that Magomed is going to trounce Piotr. Mustafaev wins by second round TKO.
Burnsy: What on Earth is a Pletwal? Is that a cool Polish word that means Steamroller or Furious Rabid Winged Jackal? Until I know, I have to pick Mustafaev.
Middleweight – Scott Askham vs Antonio “Junior Alpha” Dos Santos
Jessica: Both guys are coming off losses, and I’m pretty sure that Cedenblad, who beat Askham is better than Sarafian, who stopped dos Santos. That means Askham is better, and will win, probably third round KO. Also, ASK HAM!
Burnsy: Dos Santos lost his UFC debut by TKO because of a finger injury. Askham lost his debut to a guy named Magnus, so you tell me which one sounds more worthy of our praise. That said, I don’t normally like to piggyback on one of Jessica’s picks, but Ask Who? Ask…
Featherweight – Niklas Backstrom vs Noad “Neo” Lahat
Jessica: Both dudes are 8-1 and both are 1-1 in the UFC. I’ll have to dig deep, and the fact that Lahat couldn’t finish Shad Smith back in 2013, when Smith was 12-19-2, is a red flag (It’s not, but I’ve got to give some sort of reason for my prediction). I’ll take Backstrom to scrap out a decision here.
Burnsy: Just like Fox, Lahat is going to cancel Backstrom. Thank you, that’s the kind of awful joke that you can always expect from me.
Featherweight – Alan Omer vs Arnold “Almighty” Allen
Jessica: Alan versus Allen! In my “research” for this bout, I discovered that Omer trains at Stallion Gym in Stuttgart, and after seeing the logo, I can’t pick against that.
There’s no way Omer loses if he’s training with horses! Alan is going to call a tow truck for Triple A and win by second round submission.
Burnsy: Arnold Allen sounds like the annoying, no-good neighbor kid on a shitty TGIF sitcom. Like, I can picture Patrick Duffy shouting, “ARNOLD ALLLLLLLENNNNNN!” after he knocked up one of the girls on Step by Step. Then Sasha Mitchell steps in and it’s a kickboxing slaughterfest. You know what? I give that kid credit for pulling it off. Allen it is.
Lightweight – Mairbek “Beckan” Taisumov vs Alan “Nuguette” Patrick
Jessica: Jeezum Crow, how many Alans and Allens are on this card? Taisumov is holding it down for the Chechens pretty solidly since Adlan Amagov decided to hang up his kicks of glorious murder, so I’ve got to back Beckan. Mairbek punches Patrick in the face a lot and gets a first round TKO.
Burnsy: Is that… is that my… why yes, I think it is! It’s my Undefeated Fighter of the Week siren! The only thing going against Patrick is that he hasn’t fought since February 2014, but I liked him when he beat Makdessi so I’ll take him to go to 3-0 in his young UFC career today.
Featherweight – Makwan “Mr. Finland” Amirkhani vs Massio “El Lobo” Fullen
Jessica: MR. FINLAND! While I don’t think he’ll repeat his 8-second performance here, I have full confidence that he will win. Let’s say he uses his wrestling skills to wreck house on Fullen and gets a second round submission this time.
Burnsy: MR. FINLAND! *clap clap, clap clap clap* MR. FINLAND!
Lightweight – “Sergeant” Nick Hein vs Lukasz “Wookiee” Sajewski
Jessica: According to a few sites, it’s technically Nick “Sergeant” Hein, but my version reminds me of Sergeant Craig “Pitbull” Pittman from WCW, so I’m not changing. If I remember correctly, Hein kind of got jobbed out in Austin against James Vick, which sucks. Sajewski’s beaten some middling guys, but all of that is out the window because his nickname is WOOKIEE! Sajewski takes this by decision.
Burnsy: Whoa, what the?!?!? That’s my undefeated fighter siren going off again! Twice in one week? I must really not be putting any thought into these picks! *slide whistle, armpit fart* Anyway, I was underwhelmed by Hein’s loss to James Vick in November, so I’ll take Sajewski to make a grand UFC debut.
Welterweight – Peter Sobotta vs Steven “The Steamrolla” Kennedy
Jessica: Sobotta finally notched a UFC win after falling to the likes of Paul Taylor, James Wilks, and Amir Sadollah, which is pretty grody. On the other hand, Kennedy has beaten up a collection of Aussie randos, lost to “JT Money” and is nicknamed “The Steamrolla”. There is no way I pick that guy. Sobotta wins this one, and let’s throw him a bone and say Pete taps out Steve in the second.
Burnsy: I, for one, appreciate a fun nickname like The Steamrolla, because I bet it’s fun to shout while really wasted. STEAM-ROLLAAAAAAAAAAA, more Fireball shots, brah! But yeah, dude’s making his UFC debut with 30 pro fights under his belt? I’ll take Sobotta’s 1-0 UFC record as all the experience I need.
Featherweight – Dennis Siver vs Tatsuya “Crusher” Kawajiri
Jessica: This is a very close second, behind Kimbo versus Shamrock, for saddest fight of the weekend. I’m going to go all-in with CRUSHER and say he manages to get a hold of Siver, get him to the ground, and punch his way to a third round TKO.
Burnsy: F*ck it, I’m in a giving mood. Siver wins in front of the home crowd.
Strawweight Title – Joanna Jedrzejczyk vs Jessica Penne
Jessica: Let me first state I want there to be a formal petition to change Joanna’s surname to “Champion” because that is far easier to spell. Secondly, Joanna Champion is going to beat up Penne super good. Carla Esparza couldn’t get Joanna to the ground, and she’s a better wrestler than Penne (Though Penne is probably a better submission stylist), so expect a lot of Sprawl-n-Brawl from Jedrzejczyk. Joanna Champion retains with a third round KO. In other words:
Melanie: Jessica is a slick grappler, a former Invicta Atomweight title holder, and I have an enormous amount of respect for her, and it’s possible she’ll take the belt, but not probable. The night will end with Joanna Champion keeping her honorific surname. Penne will definitely put up more of a fight than Esparza did, her striking is much better, but Joanna Jed will stuff takedown attempts and keep it standing, and I expect a TKO in the middle rounds.
Burnsy: I might like Penne’s pasta, but my favorite non-Rousey woman fighter in the UFC is hands down Joanna Jedclampettczyk. Watching her win was one of the best championship moments we’ve seen in a long time, and while her recent “I’m the champ” posturing at whichever event that was remains the most awkward championship moments we’ve seen in a long time, she’ll win.
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Amirkhani, Jedrzejczyk
Burnsy: Siver, Sobotta
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Backstrom vs Lahat
Burnsy: Siver vs Kawajiri