Greetings, fight fans. We’ve got a light week this time around with just a solo UFC show on Sunday, so we’re fusing the live discussion and the predictions together for a one stop fight shop. UFC Fight Night 88 kicks off at 6 p.m. ET on Fight Pass with the early prelims, so let’s figure out who’s fighting and more importantly, who’s going to win.
2016 Important Results:
Jessica: 86-72-3 (54 percent)
Burnsy: 73-60-2 (55 percent)
Ryan: 5-1 (83 percent)
Jason: 19-16-1 (54 percent)
Jackman: 7-5 (58 percent)
Enrique: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jamie: 16-13-1 (55 percent)
Justin: 13-4 (76 percent)
Marty: 20-12-1 (62 percent)
Jared: 13-11 (54 percent)
Parker: 3-4 (43 percent)
Team Davis: 42-30-2 (58 percent)
Note from Suzanne Davis: Due to my (Suzanne Davis) total lack of remembering to prod people to do picks this week, I’ve once again passed off this task to my son, E. He didn’t want to do it (he totally did, I’m not a horrible mother), but I took the opportunity to teach him the importance of building a good resume and a rapport with a reputable and honored online mixed martial arts community. I couldn’t find one, so I sold his picks to Uproxx for a minimal fee. ($0.00 USD, suckers.)
Last time, he did the picks for UFC 198. He went a pathetic 2-9-1. But, he picked the draw in the Sérgio Moraes vs. Luan Chagas fight and that pretty much wins the day, suckers.
Once again, he picked the fighters and the why-s. I did the how-s. Also, he’s four. If you make fun of him, I will stab you to almost death.
Heavyweight – Chris de la Rocha vs. Adam “The Prototype” Milstead
Jessica: Beef Boyz, ahoy! CdlR lost to Danny Oatmeal Lunch Truck last time out, which isn’t great, but hey, heavyweights hit hard. Milstead lost his very first ever fight, and then decided that was dumb and has rattled off seven wins in a row. Also, he’s the Prototype, but so is Jake Collier, who fights later. That’s too confusing, so I’ll take Milstead to win by first round KO thanks to his robo-fists.
Burnsy: Ooooooooh look at Milstead, he’s a PROTOTYPE! How fancy! Get over yourself, pal. De la Rocha for the win.
A tiny child: Pick: Millstead
Bantamweight – Aljamain “Funkmaster” Sterling vs. Bryan “Kid Lightning” Caraway
Jessica: Awwww yisss! Aljo is gonna enstrangulate Caraway and then dab on that fool while rockin his 36-inch chain. Sterling subs Caraway in the second round.
Burnsy: I don’t ever pick against the Funkmaster, the Master of Funk.
A tiny child: Pick: Sterling
Why: “The other one looks like a mean jerk.”
How: Things I can’t make up.
Lightweight – Erik “New Breed” Koch vs. “Shaolin” Shane Campbell
Jessica: Koch Heads, let’s ride! I’ve given up on Campbell ever throwing another Hadouken in a fight, so I’ll take Koch to kick Campbell’s face off his head and win by second round KO.
Burnsy: When I think of a “New Breed” I think of the puggle or labradoodle or doberman-apso. Not Erik Koch. Shane wins this one by throwing a new breed of shark at Koch’s face.
A tiny child: Pick: Draw.
How: Grilled cheese sandwich.
Middleweight – Jake “The Prototype” Collier vs. Alberto Uda
Jessica: Much like GSP, I ‘ave not been impress wit’ Collier’s performance. Plus he’s kind of susceptible to getting knocked the frig out, something Uda looks to be decent at. I’ll take Uda to win with a third round KO, and probably send this Prototype packing.
Burnsy: Uda man? Alberto’s da man.
Lightweight – Abel “Killa” Trujillo vs. Jordan “All Day” Rinaldi
Jessica: Always and forever, f*ck Trujillo. I hope this is the fight that gets him cut. Rinaldi wins by submission in the third. I realize this is highly unlikely, but I’m not going to marginally benefit in my prediction record thanks to Trujillo winning.
Burnsy: The guy’s name is All Day, which means that he will win all day, so I have to assume he’s being honest with self-promotion.
A tiny child: Pick: Rinaldi
Why: “Because mommy told me to.”
How: Personal distaste.
Bantamweight – Sara McMann vs. Jessica “Evil” Eye
Jessica: Hey, it’s two people that propelled Miesha Tate to her title fight against Holly Holm. Y’all are both to blame, you jerks! Both fighters are on two-fight losing skids, so there’s a chance someone is getting cut after this one. I’m giving the edge to McMann because of her wrestling. McMann wins by decision.
Burnsy: I’ll take Evil Eye to get back into the evil game, because I feel like she hasn’t been very evil lately and she should work on that.
A tiny child: Pick: McMann
Why: “Because mommy told me to.”
How: Personal ladyboner.
Lightweight – Paul “The Irish Dragon” Felder vs. Josh “The People’s Warrior” Burkman
Jessica: Oh man, this is a mean fight. I like Burkman and Felder a whole bunch. Unfortunately for Josh, he gets super red super quickly at welterweight, so I’m guessing he’ll turn purple about 20 seconds into his lightweight debut. Then Felder will wheel kick Josh in the face bones. Felder wins by first round KO.
Burnsy: I prefer my warriors to be men of the people, so I have to choose The People’s Warrior in this one. It’s not an exact science as much as it’s an affair of the heart.
A tiny child: Pick: Felder
Why: “The other one looks old.”
How: Future conversation about ageism.
Welterweight – Jorge “Gamebred” Masvidal vs. Lorenz “The Monsoon” Larkin
Jessica: Oh ding dong dang! I am hypexcited for this throw down! I don’t care that both dudes are kind of inconsistent, when they are on, they can make some rad violence in the cage. I’m giving a slight edge to Masvidal to win a decision.
Burnsy: Gonna roll with Masvidal in this one because I feel like Larkin is one of those guys that gets my hopes up and then delivers a dud.
A tiny child: Pick: Larkin
Why: “I don’t like crust on my sandwiches.”
How: Picky eating and misunderstanding.
Middleweight – Chris Camozzi vs. Vitor “Lex Luthor” Miranda
Jessica: Camozzi is 1-4 against Brazilians. Miranda has only lost to dudes a lot bigger than him, which Camozzi isn’t. I’m taking Miranda to bash Camozzi inside of two rounds to win by TKO.
Burnsy: I just can’t pick Ini anymore. I’m not sure I’ve picked him at all lately, to be quite honest, but I don’t feel like checking. This guy has never listened to me and used “Hot Stepper” as his entrance music, so screw him. I pick Miranda.
A tiny child: Pick: Miranda
Why: (See Almeida vs. Garbrandt)
Welterweight – Rick “The Horror” Story vs. Tarec “Sponge” Saffiedine
Jessica: Wrestle man who hasn’t fought in a million years returns to action! First it was Dom Cruz, then Khabib, and now the Horror Story gets in on that feel good action. Saffiedine is a good kickboxer, and he could chew up Story’s legs with his strong kicks. However, Rick is really dang good, and I expect him to put Tarec on his back for like 14 minutes and just grind him into a thin paste. Story wins by decision.
Burnsy: I don’t think Story will have kicked enough rust off to stop Sponge from soaking up his pride. BOOM that’s how you work with a nickname, fam.
A tiny child: Pick: Saffiedine
Why: “He lives in a pineapple under the sea.”
How: Krabby Patty.
Featherweight – Renan Barao vs. Jeremy “Lil Heathen” Stephens
Jessica: I think Barao is going to have trouble winging punches at a dude that can take shots from lightweights. I really doubt Renan will land a perfect counter like Yves Edwards did to KO Stephens. On the flip side, Stephens has big power for the division and solid technique. Stephens should out land Barao and get a second round KO.
Burnsy: Oh hey, what’s up, Renan Barao? Look at you co-main-eventing a Sunday Fight Night that people probably barely know is happening. This is no place for a man of your talents. Whoop Stephens’ ass and get yourself back into a good fight on a better card.
A tiny child: Pick: Barao
Why: “He has a picture of his grandmother on him.”
Bantamweight – Cody “No Love” Garbrandt vs. Thomas “Thominas” Almeida
Jessica: OH HOLY HECK YES. These dudes gonna THROW DOWN with their adorable, teensy little fists and feets. Almeida is durable and dangerous at all times, and I think he’ll land something insane to stagger Garbrandt before finishing him in the second by TKO. Maybe a Superman elbow or something.
Burnsy: No Love? Yes way. I don’t normally side with guys named Cody, or anything that rhymes with -ody for that matter, but I’m gonna take Cody to win a hell of a fight here.
A tiny child: Pick: Almeida
Why: “Their tattoos look dumb, but he has less.”
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Felder, Sterling
Burnsy: Garbrandt, Masvidal
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Masvidal vs. Larkin
Burnsy: Koch vs. Campbell