This Week In Posters: ‘Pride And Prejudice And Zombies’ (And Iron Man And Michael Caine)

I bet the animators and producers like to flatter themselves and say, “Our CGI Alvin & the Chipmunks, it was a little scary to older folks at first because of how realistic they look!”

The truth is that it’s not so much the realism that’s off-putting, it’s the fact that their eyes look like your neighbor who’s been up all night cooking meth trying to tell you about this really great idea he just had. Also, have we considered that realism might not be the goal in a film about anthropomorphic singing chipmunks? I’m glad I don’t have kids and I can avoid these freaky tweakers.

“Everybody’s back for a fresh cut” seems a little redundant when the movie is called “The Next Cut,” no? On the plus side, this is the most life-like I think I’ve ever seen Nicki Minaj look. I believe she’s wearing stretchy flag pants. Is it because her famous butt symbolizes the American Dream? Discuss.

Also, I’m still not comfortable with Ice Cube smiling pleasantly at me. C’mon, Cube, one more mean mug for old times sake? Strangely, I liked him best when I thought he might murder me.

I think the downward arrows are meant to represent the tranches in a mortgage-backed security. (Yes, I read the book, I’m very smart). And the wigs and pinched faces are meant to represent “acting.” Look at all these handsome chameleons slumming it for us! You know, these kinds of roles give us regular folks false hope. You look at Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling in these movies, and you figure every average looking man is just a chiseled, handsome movie star hiding underneath schlubby clothes and a bad haircut. I could be fabulously wealthy and handsome too, I just need to get my look figured out! I mean sure, I may look like a dandruffy, flab-covered sh*t beagle in crumb-covered sweat pants now, but one of these days I’m going to get a nice shirt and a haircut that flatters my cheekbones, and you’ll all be sorry you weren’t nicer to me.

I try to avoid news stories about the plots of Marvel movies (which is generally kind of a weird thing to want to know) so this is actually the first I’m realizing that “Civil War” is about Cap and Iron Man fighting. I tend to like the sillier spectrum of the Marvel universe, and this looks like it’s way off down yonder past serious town.

Way to go, Cap! Use your magic shield!

It’s to the point with these posters that I don’t even question the debris flying everywhere anymore. I assume that whatever computer filter makes the “dirt clods kicked up by an explosion” effect is in the favorites rack.

Anyway, I haven’t read this comic, but I have to assume that this fight is going to come down to who can team up with Hawkeye. He who controls the arrows controls the universe.

I like this poster that best of the three, it’s subtler but still obvious. That said, did it really need sparks? Cap’s got that calm look on his face, while the sparks are telling me Iron Man is trying to cut through his shield with a table saw. Jeez, the shield’s indestructible, Iron Man, seems like you’d know that by now.

Is she standing in front of a graffiti outline of a lady’s torso? I know that because a naked lady’s torso is one of the few things I can draw. That and a turkey using the outline of my hand.

Also, she’s wearing a sexy camouflage dress. Because the front line of the battle is her body, you see. I expect this movie to be full of pregnant symbolism like that.

If Will Smith’s look of concern is any indication, Concussion is shaping up to be another Seven Pounds. I get very wary every time that man furrows his brows.

“He will stop at nothing to expose the truth.”

Yeah, I can tell. Like, he might even put on a suit and stare off into the sunset with a conflicted look on his face. He’s willing to go to hell and back for this cause.

I got to see the trailer for this a good 15 times over the long weekend on account of they played it non-stop during the NFL games (“…and now for some concussions, sponsored by Concussion!”). It really made me think: we could probably handicap Oscar movies based on how many different types of glass get smashed in the trailer. These damned actors, it’s like they can’t achieve inner turmoil without punching their own reflections in the mirror! Why did this become a trope? Do people really do that? Where did you learn method acting, from a cat?

Making a horror-movie poster seems like a contest to figure out how to combine demonic possession, creepy little kids, and haunted houses. And/or forest imagery for some reason. This one isn’t anything new, but it does combine all the usual things pretty slickly. I like how the creepy kid looks possessed and his eye is the key to a haunted house and the letters in the title have leaves in them. I’m guessing this kid goes down a door to hell and comes back possessed to haunt a forest.

We definitely need a detail shot for this new Pride and Prejudice and Zombies poster:

Those are soap opera faces, aren’t they? This looks like a soap opera. Cersei and Doctor Who over there look like they’re upset to even be involved in this, and I don’t think they’re wrong for it. I still can’t tell from these posters whether Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is supposed to be a comedy or what. Is the comedy is supposed to come from them doing a really bad thing on purpose?

They went with the straightforward poster for Race, which was a good choice. It doesn’t take much to sell me on this idea. How much I want to see any movie basically hinges on whether the protagonist is going to stick it to Hitler.

By the way, I’m still upset that Unbroken took out the scene with Hitler. Call me crazy, but I think that if a book has a scene with Hitler in it, you should probably assume that was an important scene.

It’s also great that “Race” is fully utilized as a play on words here. I’m still reeling from that scene in Furious 7 where the gang shows up at a rally called “Race Wars.”

And then just when you’re like, “Race Wars? Wait, what?” They cut back to a shot of a lady’s butt and it’s never mentioned again.

The Fast/Furious franchise keeps doing this, first it was “Han Seoul-Oh” and then it was Race Wars. They introduce some bizarre play on words and then shove a close-up of a lady’s crotch or butt at you like the flashy thing from Men in Black. Butts don’t work like that, you guys.

This poster makes it look like Michael Caine is pondering his film’s laurel icons.

I think having “a film by Paolo Sorrentino” on the poster is a little redundant here, because it already looks like the answer to “What would it look like if Paul Dano was dressed and styled by an Italian man?”

Hold up, is that… a terry-cloth bathrobe over a Hawaiian shirt? My God, this man is my new style icon.

Jane Fonda in Youth looks like if you combined Jessica Lange in Blue Sky with one of Ben Franklin’s mistresses in John Adams.

Tell me I’m wrong.

Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.