Well the time has finally come folks! According to all the Jesus Freaks out there, tomorrow at 6pm — I’m not sure if that’s eastern, central or mountain time — those who’ve been living their lives in accordance to God’s wishes, whatever that is, will be swept up into the clouds to live in heaven forever with God and Jesus and Jerry Falwell. Frankly, I’d rather stay down here and party with the sinful people for as long as I can.
With that said, I’d like to make an offer to the Christian men out there: If you’ve got a hot, sinful wife, girlfriend or daughter who you think may get left behind because she hasn’t been living her life in accordance to the good book — perhaps she had too much wine and sucked off the youth pastor behind the bar at the last BBQ fundraiser — I’d like to volunteer to look after her while you’re gone. It’s the least I can do as a relatively decent human being, though one who’s definitely unrapture-worthy. And your Godly pets are already taken care of.
In the event you’re unsure about whether or not the angels will come calling for you or your lady — and it appears as though all the uncertainty is tearing some families apart — here’s a handy little infographic to help you out.
For those of you who’ll be leaving us, enjoy the clouds and the harp music for eternity. Personally, I f*cking hate harp music, so I’d actually prefer hanging with Satan until the end of time — at the very least, dude will surely be cranking some rock-n-roll and hip-hop down there in the fire pit, since that’s the Devil’s music and all.
Also, I’d like to thank God for making the Rapture on a weekend so those of us who’ll be left behind can party like the world’s ending without having to worry about waking up in the morning. And if the Rapture doesn’t come, I’m thinking of actually going to church on Sunday morning, just so I can see all the looks of disappointment on the faces of church-goers.