History’s Most Depressing Video Of Two Fat Guys Fighting To The Death

Imagine, if only for a moment, a fantasy situation wherein an evil witch or wicked stepmother casts a spell on two gluttonous, hyper-masculine men and turns them into pigs. Boars, whatever. Now imagine that in their lowered evolutionary state, these transformed men lose control and spend the next thirty minutes squeeing and trying to hurt each other with their pig arms and pig bodies.

Now that you’ve imagined that, compare and contrast it with this depressing-ass video of UFC 11 heavyweight tournament rivals Tank Abbott and Scott Ferrozzo having their scheduled 15-years-later rematch in somebody’s backyard. It was supposed to go down on 10/30 at the Dixie Cowgirls Night Club in Dayton, Ohio, and was advertised as a no time limit match (in a strip club) that would only end if one of the fighters died. Somehow “fight to the death in front of naked ladies” turned into “good-natured ground-hugging in front of some random dudes at a barbecue”, and the transition appears as jarring for the fighters as it does the people watching.

Some the highlights, courtesy of Cage Potato. Viewer (and listener) discretion is advised.

4:52: Tank lands a big left hand from the top, and poetically, two dead leaves float down into the frame, reminding us that life is fragile, and this fight is really happening in a f**king backyard.

10:54: Ferrozzo has both of Tank’s hands completely locked down. If this was legit MMA, the ref would call for a standup. But in Ohio Backyard DeathMatch Rules, there are no standups.

17:09: “I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I am a f**kin’ BEAST!”

20:50: They separate after a brief clinch. Tank backs up and doubles over with fatigue. If Ferrozzo had anything left, he’d end this sh*t right now with a flying knee, but he clearly gassed himself out yelling during the 15-minute opening round.

No matter what you think of Tank Abbott after watching this, remember — this isn’t as low as he’s gone.

[h/t to our own Vince Mancini]