Welcome back, friends and fellow fantasy football psychopaths. It’s my favorite time of the year – the middle of the week after the first game of the NFL season, when I’ve had more than enough time to stare at my fantasy lineups and figure out how the hell I went 1-3 this week. If you’re new to the party, I should explain that fantasy football to me is a lot like poker used to be, in that I love being that bro who lends his ear to people when they’ve taken a bad beat or had the win of their lives, because we don’t do this nonsense not to brag. We play fantasy football because it lets us think that we could run an actual sports franchise, which is obviously ludicrous, unless you count an NBA franchise, because I’m pretty sure that any dolt off the street could run two-thirds of that BS league.
Thus, the Fantasy Football Support Group returns for another season for us to vent our frustrations and discuss our matchups and subsequent wins and losses with our peers. To make things a little more relatable this year, I also created the inaugural UPROXX Invitational League for a hand-picked group of my peers from this site, as well as other bloggers and people that I genuinely enjoy from Twitter. So let’s go ahead and get the fun started by pointing at the A-hole who finished in dead last after Week 1…
That’s right, yours truly with one of the most pathetic fantasy team performances in the history of the world. In my defense, I had two glaring issues that I failed to handle before the games began on Sunday because I was distracted by something that I’ll get to in a moment – 1) For all of my preparation and fancy pants draft analysis – which didn’t include kickers, mind you – I had no clue that the Eagles ditched Alex Henery. Whoops? 2) I started the Bucs defense, and I didn’t even remember having the Bucs defense. But more than anything, I knew I was ride or die with my Peyton Manning/Demaryius Thomas 1-2 punch, and my lack of RBs KILLED me. Hopefully, I’ll be able to trade a WR or two soon so I can avoid being this terrible every week.
Otherwise, that’s our Fox Sports friend Katie Nolan up there in first, as if she wasn’t already the coolest person on the Internet this week.
Let’s talk about the Cleveland Browns elephant in the room…
I managed to grab Josh Gordon off the free agent pile in two leagues this week, because you’ve probably noticed that the rumors are heating up like crazy that he might play again, as early as Sunday depending on the rumor du jour. The latest on Monday Night Football had Chris Mortensen reporting that if Tuesday night’s vote went through, Gordon and Wes Welker would be back. The only catch, Mort said, was that some owners were pissed that they weren’t getting their suspended players back, too. Whatever. This is about Gordon. So how did that vote go? It didn’t.
Today, in my extensive search of desperation, I read that the Browns have kept his locker full with his jersey hanging and ready to go, while the biggest rumor mongers believe that the reason that Gordon didn’t pursue legal action and the Browns haven’t been raising hell is because they knew this was going to happen. However, the big problem is that his marijuana suspension came before this new deal would retroactively go into effect, so there’s also still a decent coin flip of a chance that Gordon still won’t play.
Then there was this dude, who I think bought a car from Gordon today, and he dropped this little nugget on everyone.
To recap, we still don’t know shit.
The player that probably won your game this week – Julius Thomas, Calvin Johnson
Both of these guys, arguably the tops at their positions (obviously Jimmy Graham is the best TE, but Julius was elite after last season), put up 28.4 points in our standard scoring league, as they were just monsters right out of the gates. I don’t typically include QBs here, and you might be shaking your fists in rage at or celebrating Matt Ryan or Matt Stafford, but those dudes are supposed to put up 30 points. Le’Veon Bell was also a huge surprise, which was interesting, because that dude’s stock was dropping big time leading into the last minute fantasy drafts.
The player that probably lost your game this week – Jamaal Charles
I raised some eyebrows in my main league by taking LeSean McCoy at No. 1 instead of Charles, but I just had this feeling, you guys. Now, that’s not to say that Charles won’t turn it around next week and be the most dynamic offensive weapon in the NFL, but right out of the gates against a team that isn’t supposed to be that good? That’s gotta be pretty disappointing. As our league’s Sarah Sprague said:
With Jamaal Charles only scoring 3 points and Jason Witten about a point, there is nothing I could have done to avert this loss to Cajun Boy. Now I have to live with the shame of losing to a person who proudly displayed his Velveeta-and-Rotel nachos on Instagram this past weekend.
Embarrassing and disgusting.
The QBs that did what we expected them to do: Matt Ryan (31), Matt Stafford (30), Andrew Luck (28), Peyton Manning (22)
The QBs that did not do what we expected them to do: Robert Giffin III (8), Tom Brady (10), Aaron Rodgers (10), Tony Romo (12), Philip Rivers (13), Nick Foles (15)
Realistically, the biggest letdown of the week, at any position, was Aaron Rodgers. As my fellow UPROXXian and losing owner Josh Kurp put it:
Well, I lost, but at least it was only by two points. DAMN YOU AARON RODGERS AND YOUR 10 MEASLY POINTS. MAYBE IF YOU’D STOP STARRING IN STATE FARM COMMERCIALS WITH OLD SNL CHARACTERS THAT WEREN’T FUNNY THEN AND AREN’T FUNNY NOW, YOU WOULD HAVE THROWN A TOUCHDOWN TO KUHN (who I’m only just realizing isn’t on PFT’s team. DIBS).
Spot on, old chap.
The RBs that did what we expected them to do: Marshawn Lynch (24), DeMarco Murray (18), Matt Forte (16), Rashad Jennings (15)
The RBs that did not do what we expected them to do: Doug Martin (1), Eddie Lacy (4), Zac Stacy (5), Andre Ellington (6)
It’s tough to jump all over guys after Week 1, because a lot of players are still kicking off the rust, and there were some pretty tough matchups, too. Martin was one of those guys who was in a lose-lose situation, because he was coming off that terrible injury from last season, and he was going against a Carolina Panthers defense that was going to key on the run, because Tampa’s QB situation sucks butt. I don’t think anyone really expected the lose-lose-lose situation to occur, as he was injured, too. It sucks, because we all love the Muscle Hamster and want him to be good.
Lacy probably has the most people scratching their heads right now, because that’s a guy who had amazing numbers last year and thus could have been on the verge of being a sleeper to be the top RB this season. Now he has a concussion and who knows if he’ll play this week?
The WRs that did what we expected them to do: AJ Green (19), Cordarelle Patterson (18), Antonio Brown (17), Jeremy Maclin (15), Randall Cobb (11), Julian Edelman (11), Percy Harvin (10)
The WRs that did not do what we expected them to do: Larry Fitzgerald (2), Michael Crabtree (2), Victor Cruz (2), Vincent Jackson (3), Keenan Allen (3), TY Hilton (4), Demaryius Thomas (4), DeSean Jackson (5), Dez Bryant (5)
Obviously, Thomas and Bryant have people bummed, but WRs performed pretty well this week. In fact, I cared less that some of my guys didn’t do what I expected, because I was happier that guys like Brandin Cooks and Kelvin Benjamin had strong performances. In Bryant’s case, though, he was getting manhandled during that game, as there was one play in which he was hit while in the air and his whole body shook like Homer Simpson’s fat when he was hit by a cannonball. I’d be worried about that, but he’s still in a contract year, so we can expect him to bounce back and have several 200-yard games this season.
The TEs that did what we expected them to do: Vernon Davis (16), Greg Olsen (14), Zach Ertz (13), Martellus Bennett (13), Rob Gronkowski (10), Dennis Pitta (8), Antonio gates (8)
The TEs that did not do what we expected them to do: Jordan Reed (0), Jason Witten (1), Charles Clay (2), Jordan Cameron (4), Jimmy Graham (8)
Aside from Graham, there weren’t really any shocking disappointments this week with TEs. Hell, six TEs with at least 10 points is more proof that the position is deeper than it has ever been. Meanwhile, it looks like the guy to pick up off waivers, if you or someone else hasn’t already, is Larry Donnell from the New York Giants, because Eli Manning seems to like targeting him when he’s panicking like crazy.