Worse Presidential Candidate: Sammy Sosa Or Wilmer Valderrama?

Last we checked in on former Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa, he allowed me to absolutely, 100% legitimately spend two days with him and his new public relations team, as they are trying to attempt to rebuild his image with the hopes of getting him back into the good graces of the incredibly evil Baseball Writers Association of America. Basically, it seems that Sosa wants to get his baseball skeletons sorted out and atone for his sins so he can move on with his life. After all, baseball was very good to him.

Sosa has been opening up a little more since those incredible Flickr and Pinterest photos kicked open the gates of our hearts, and it seems that not only is he intent on being voted into the Hall of Fame, but he also apparently wants the Cubs to accept him back and retire his number. At the very least, though, he doesn’t want to come off as desperate, hence the new image makeover and some very meticulously worded quotes.

Asked if he thinks he or McGwire belong in the Hall, Sosa said: “I think so.”

“I’m not going to come here and say anything that is going to jeopardize my future,” he added. “But definitely time will determine everything. Right now whatever it is, it is. I am not (somebody who) is going to go out there and say anything I don’t want to say. I’m waiting for my time. … I don’t like controversy. Definitely time will determine everything.” (Via Sports Illustrated)

That’s all fine and dandy, because America is a country built on second chances, especially if it involves someone that we built up as a god at one point only to joyously destroy him a few years later. We love comeback stories, and we certainly love recycling heroes just to destroy them one more time. You show me a country that does it better and we’ll bomb it tomorrow.

But somewhat buried in that SI blurb is this little nugget:

Would he run for president of the Dominican Republic?

“You never know,” Sosa said.

So is that what this all is? All of the posing and peace signs and forced smiles and origami teddy bears – this is all posturing for a career in Dominican politics? I’d probably be more inclined to call this a terrible idea if it hadn’t also been revealed this week that Wilmer Valderrama, AKA Fez and the Guy Who Ruined Lindsay Lohan’s Life, is also apparently pursuing a career in American politics.

Sorry, Dominican Republic, but you’re on your own. America has a far greater catastrophe to avoid.