Friends, we’re here to honor one of the greatest gifts to ever grace the internet: Armie Hammer’s tracksuit diaries. No, this is not parody. It’s really and it demands your attention.
The odyssey of le trackie began during the European leg of the Call Me by Your Name press tour. Not only did that film introduce the world to the sexual nature of peaches, it also gave us a glimpse of Armie Hammer’s style game, which has, heretofore now, been flying quietly under the radar.
Let us recap for a minute: Forget a snack, Armand Douglas Hammer is a goddamn five-course meal. He’s the guy who played a swoon-worthy love interest to Cardi B-loving blueberry muffin Timothee Chalamet in Luca Guadagnino’s heartbreakingly beautiful coming-of-age romance. He’s also the man that, just a few short months ago, took it upon himself to bless us with a style masterclass while promoting said film in Italy.
We first got a glimpse of the actor’s affinity for the polyester two-piece when he landed in Italy looking like sweet vanilla ice cream cone dipped in dark chocolate with Chalamet and Guadagnio in tow. Hammer’s straight to camera stare and “Mafioso” vibes should’ve been our first clue that this was going to become a look that would cause the world to enter a weeks-long drought.
Sidenote: I’d be totally fine with Hammer playing a younger Tony-type in a Sopranos reboot for the CW.
Next, the same polyester work of art made an appearance at, what else, an actual art museum. Here, Hammer gave the da Vinici’s and Picasso’s something to truly be jealous of. As a shrewd fan commented, “Someone call the police. We feel attacked.”
Hammer’s equally beautiful, uber-successful, bakery goddess of a wife Elizabeth Chambers also documented the star’s love of le Adidas. Apparently, she’s the one who ordered his first suit, thinking it would just be worn around the house.
Oh Elizabeth, you sweet naïve starfish, this blindingly beautiful specimen cannot be locked away.
Hammer proved the suit is not only fashionable, it’s versatile as well. If you’ve ever found yourself in Italia you know the locals love to ply you with pasta and bruschetta and prosciutto. If you make the mistake of wearing anything even close to form-fitting, you’ll be cursing your expandable stomach all night long.
Fortunately, Hammer’s jumper expands with him.
But the tracksuit isn’t native to just Italia, so Hammer had to give a shoutout to Eastern Europe with his #SlavSquat pose. When you’re jockeying to become the international face of tracksuits, you can’t forget your roots.