Power Ranking Apple’s 10 Most Downloaded Apps of 2017

“Okay,” Steve Bramucci says to me on Slack at the end of my first week back from maternity leave, “You can rank Apple’s most downloaded apps of 2017. But ease into it. DON’T MAKE IT AS ABSURD AS YOUR NORMAL RANKINGS.

And I didn’t. I mean, not once did I graphically describe a child being run over by an ice cream truck. Oh shoot. I guess I did a little just there. But like not really. I haven’t stored up three months of horrible things to add to power rankings while singing sweet lullabies to my tiny baby.

Not at all. ha. ha. ha. I’m not a monster. I’m a nice writer. With nice things to say….I swear.

Anyway, here goes!

Apple just revealed the most downloaded Apps of 2017! So we’re power ranking them from worst to best. Most of them aren’t very surprising. Except bitmoji which I find wildly surprising. And to be honest, kind of upsetting. But the rest are about what you’d expect. And until someone creates an app that automatically photoshops your cat’s head onto various celebrities, I guess it’ll stay that way. With apps like Facebook and Snapchat on top. Sigh.

Here are your favorite apps of 2017…Power. Ranked.

10. Bitmoji (#1 for downloads)

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We looked like our #bitmoji today!

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That this is the MOST downloaded app of 2017 means that we are really, really full of ourselves. We can’t use a regular emoji to convey our thoughts/emotions, WE NEED ONE OF OUR OWN FACE. Currently, I have a three month old baby who is obsessed with looking at himself in a mirror. I guess many of us ever get out of that stage. At the end of the day, we are ALL my three month old baby, just staring at our face, in awe that it exists and it is ours. This is the modern equivalent of us being obsessed with finding our names on a novelty license plate at Six Flags when we were 10, and I have to say, I don’t like it.

Look, I’m not going to lie. I’ve also downloaded this. And made an emoji with curly hair who said things like, “That’s what cheese says!” But at least I felt ashamed after I made that bitmoji. At least I heard the sound of my college degree burning away. And afterwards, I deleted the app, and then I took a hot shower WITH MY PHONE to make sure that that particular embarrassing moment in time was truly erased completely. So, I’m still trying to wrap my head around this being the Most. Downloaded. App.

And my only conclusion is: Guys, I’m pretty sure this is why people don’t vote in midterm elections. Bitmoji did this to us. All of it.

9. Messenger (#4 for downloads)

This is getting low marks, not because it’s a particularly bad app, but because I am sick and tired of being strong-armed into getting an app I don’t want. Looking at you, Yelp.

If I used Facebook messenger all the time, I’d download the damn app! But I use it so little. And every time I get a message, I have to download the app just to read that my ballet teacher from third grade says, “Hi.” It’s so annoying. I just want to check my messages on the Facebook app I ALREADY DOWNLOADED. This might be on the list of “most downloads” solely based on how many times I’ve deleted it and re-downloaded. Take the hint, messenger. I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU. But I do want to be with Karen. I want to exchange numbers with Karen. What do you think Karen? KAREN?

8. Uber (#10 for downloads)

While I do love ride sharing, I use Lyft over Uber. I’d say vaguely because of “safety” and something about Uber being a morally worse company. But the truth is, I don’t have any evidence. I don’t “read the news” or “research things I’ve heard” or “think”. Thinking’s for suckers. I just make arbitrary decisions about two probably completely alike entities so I can feel like I have choices. But we don’t have any choices anymore. We’re all just mindless app users in an episode of Black Mirror that will never end.

7. Snapchat (#2 for downloads)

I’m fine with snapchat. Unless you use it to put weird eyes on your baby or dog. Then you can GTFO. Nothing creeps me out more than a baby with fake eyes and eyelashes. That nonsense should haunt us all. It’s my Babadook. Dook. Dook.

6. Google Maps (#7 for downloads)

Recently, the LADP had to remind people not to allow Google Maps to drive them directly into fire. If that’s not an advertisement for how reliant we are on Google to navigate for us, then I don’t know what is.

5. Spotify (#9 for downloads)

I used Spotify instead of a DJ at our wedding. It was amazing. We made a super fun playlist, no commercials, and we saved hundreds of dollars. No snark. It’s such a good app. Had a beautiful wedding, and now, I have a beautiful baby. I’m not saying those things are related. I’m not saying Spotify MADE me pregnant. But I’m not NOT saying it.

4. Facebook (#6 for downloads)

I don’t mean to brag. But let me tell you a story. I remember Facebook at the beginning. Back when the only picture you had was your profile. And the wall was just one long word document. You could edit other people’s comments on the wall when you went in to write on it, and you had to sign your name at the end or they wouldn’t know it was you. When it wasn’t all Buzzfeed Quizzes and ads for sweatshirts that have your name on them. That was back when men were men and women were made of discarded lipsticks and old wigs who couldn’t talk and there weren’t fancy new inventions like the telephone and that printing press everyone’s been raving about!

Yeah, Facebook is a time sucking demon that has most likely disintegrated 90 percent of my brain cells. But I just can’t quit you, FB. I wish I knew how to quit you.

3. Netflix (#8 for downloads)

The way Netflix transformed our culture into one that almost entirely streams now is truly beautiful. I mean- they started out as a Blockbuster competitor. BLOCKBUSTER. Everyone in the world has a Netflix account or access to one now. If I didn’t have access to Netflix so I could watch 30 Rock for the ten thousandth time, well, I’d probably accomplish things….and be rich…and successful! So….um….Hah! HAH! I’M WASTING MY LIFE ON STREAMING TELEVISION AND GOING TO DIE PENNILESS.

As always, thanks Netflix. You’re always there for me (tone becomes gravely and threatening) ALWAYS.

“Are you still watching, Allison? Because if not…we’ll find you… And. Make. You.”

2. YouTube (#3 for downloads)

How did we live our lives without Youtube? It’s how I watch Full Frontal with Samantha Bee and Colbert without cable. Or hours of interview after interview with John “nice guy-dreamboat- please don’t pull a Louis CK” Mulaney while swooning. It’s where I first saw classics like “Lion reunites with owner” and “Charlie bit me”. Nothing on the internet is perfect. For every perfect video of “Total Eclipse of the Heart Literal Video”, there’s someone doing something that’s inflammatory or disgusting. But there really is no internet as we know it without Youtube. And you take the good….you take the bad….you take it all and then you have….the internet. The internet.

1. Instagram (#5 for downloads)

This is Facebook’s younger, prettier, and more popular sister. I was slow to the Instagram train, and had to run after it, and leap into the train car by grabbing someone’s hand like every action movie that doesn’t end in someone slipping and being decapitated under the train, which, let’s face it, would at least OCCASIONALLY happen. But now I can’t get enough of the app that allows me to do what I actually want to do on Facebook, lurk at pictures of people I made out with in college with their wives/girls from my sorority that I wasn’t really friends with/people from high school that still live in my hometown and wonder if they’re happier than I am.

Instagram basically gives you everything you want out of an app: Entertainment, instant gratification, pretty pictures, and your daily dose of self-loathing. Perfection in a little box that lives on your phone screen.