Everybody Panic: Here Is A Two-Headed Snake

I have good news and bad news. Good News: There are people out there who love you and care about your well-being, and will be there for you no matter how bad things get. Bad News: HOLY SH-T A TWO-HEADED SNAKE RUN FOR THE HILLS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.

A Greenwood County family is trying to figure out how this is possible, but they’ve been taking care of the little guy for weeks.

Savanna Logan and her brother, Preston, have been amazed by this two-headed snake and showing it off at school since workmen at their home found it three weeks ago. […]

“One head’s bigger and one’s more dominant than the other, but they both seem to control the body, the main head will do one thing then the other part is trying to go the opposite direction,” said Savanna Logan’s mother, Tina Stewart. [wbtv]


Stop this right now, nature. There is no need for this to be a thing. You can’t just run around plopping extra heads on animals that are already creepy and terrifying as is. Snakes should have one head MAXIMUM. What’s next? A two-headed shark, with two mouths full of razor blades pointed in opposite directions just wreaking havoc on everything in the sea? Or a shark with legs that can live on dry land like Ariel in The Little Merma-WAIT. FORGET I SAID THAT. DO NOT MAKE A LAND-BASED SHARK, NATURE. I AM SERIOUS.

I swear to God, we’re like three years away from an ambulatory shark and a two-headed snake mating and creating some sort of nightmare hybrid that will probably have wings even though neither of its parents do because f-ck nature, anyway. Make no mistake, this is an act of aggression. Every citizen should be issued a King James Bible and a flamethrower and told to put an end to this by any means necessary before it’s too late. You’ve all seen Independence Day. You know the drill.

(The video of the news report is here. Bonus points go out to the following people: 1) The anchor who asked how a snake with a head at both ends of its body poops. 2) Preston Logan, the young man who correctly identifies the whole thing as “creepy.” 3) The parents of Preston Logan, who evidently named their son after the main characters of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and are therefore A-OK in my book.)