America’s Cows Have A Drug Problem

How, buddy. Step over here. You, uh, you lookin’ to score?

Yeah, yeah. You’re a cow. But you party, right? Cows party. They get monged on cowijuana and bovinecstasy and mooroin. That’s what they do when we ain’t lookin’. They party. They listen to EDM and go flat out f*ckin’ mental. Ever done drugs with a cow? No. That’s because you can’t handle it.

In all seriousness, Tyson Foods apparently noticed that cows who were fed a drug called Zilmax were having a hard time walking to the actual slaughterhouse. Zilmax is a drug which basically fattens them up with lean muscle, and is taken for their last living month or so so that the animal essentially has more meat. The cows were, according to one industry insider, “walking down a truck ramp tippy-toed.” No word on whether these drug-addled Kurt Cowbain’s affected humans… although one can only imagine humans (maybe you!) have already eaten Zilmax treated cows.

In all fairness, I, too, would probably want to get pretty toasted before heading off to my death. It’d really take the edge off, y’know? Maybe the cows will start taking it recreationally and they’ll finally make some good music for once. Ever heard a cow play tenor sax out of his mind on Zilmax, man? It’ll blow your mind. It’s about the grass he isn’t chewing. You really gotta smoke a J and listen to “Kind Of Moo,” dude. It’s amazing.

Tyson announced that they would stop slaughtering Zilmax treated cows. The drug company Merck & Co, who makes Zilmax, also announced that they would stop the sale of Zilmax in the US and Canada.

(Image via Inlander. H/T: The Week)