Best Wishes, Tara Reid: Celebrating Hollywood’s All-Time Shortest Marriages

What a spectacular week it’s been for Tara Reid. The one-time golden goddess had seen her career slip into a bit of a lull since she starred opposite Ryan Reynolds in National Lampoon’s Van Wilder way back in 2002. In fact, aside from her 11-episode run on “Scrubs,” her resume has been quite bleak over the past 9 years. That is, unless you’re an optimist, in which case you could say that she was simply the best part of Vipers, 7-10 Split, and The Crow: Wicked Prayer.
But now things are good again for Reid. The first poster for American Reunion was released, as we’ll all certainly be yawning with indifference ordering our tickets early on Fandango to watch the entire American Pie cast reunite, since they can’t find work elsewhere mean so much to us. And the best news of all is that Reid is married, as she found that missing piece of her heart in Bulgarian “financial expert” Zachary Kehayov, whom she married this past weekend in Greece.
The wedding came as a bit of a shock to people who still care about Reid, mainly because nobody had ever heard of Kehayov before. Apparently the couple had only recently met, which makes this all the more romantic. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that impulse weddings last forever. Haha, just kidding. Start your pools now. I’ve got 7 months, but to honor the young couple, here’s a look at some of Hollywood’s shortest and most doomed marriages.

*Listed time lengths are approximated, based on conflicting records in some marriages. Either way, they’re divorced and they’ve moved on to something better. Or probably worse.
The Skinny: This marriage happened on the fly in 1919, so I assume it ended because of polio or something really old like that.
The Skinny: Svetozar Marinkovic is a hard guy to find a picture of, so I settled for that adorable tennis dog. Marinkovic was Robin Givens’ tennis instructor when they wed. They also separated on the same day. I guess there really is no ‘love’ in tennis. *rim shot, racket to the crotch*
The Skinny: Zsa Zsa was still married to her previous husband when her and Felipe tied the not, so their marriage was annulled and Zsa Zsa said, “Ta ta.” In today’s news, Zsa Zsa is currently 94 and confined to a bed, but is that stopping her from becoming a mother? You only wish this was a joke.
The Skinny: I think it was a Las Vegas joke or something. Then again, that’s what I assume of anything she’s done over the past decade.
The Skinny: Hopper just sucked with relationships. You can’t tie down the Easy Rider.
The Skinny: She was 37. He was 68. This split-up is just going to have to remain a mystery.
The Skinny: Landry is, of course, that smoking hot former Miss USA who we all fell in love with in the Doritos commercials. Lopez was A.C. Slater and basically the luckiest man alive until he cheated on her a week before they got married.
The Skinny: Murphy had mama’s boy tendencies. For instance, he brought his mom on their honeymoon. Apparently girls don’t like that.
The Skinny: He was a bartender and she was acting royalty. She had also been previously engaged at 16 and addicted to drugs. The recipe for success had been compromised.
The Skinny: Her biography contains many jokes about her previous failed marriages, but when it comes to her marriage to Borgnine, Merman just had a blank page.
The Skinny: I’m not sure, but it might have had to do with her being a super model and him being Chris Kattan.
The Skinny: Anderson allegedly owed Salomon at least $50,000 in gambling debts, so they did the wise thing and just got married. He had previously been married to Shannen Doherty and starred as the penis in Paris Hilton’s sex tape.
The Skinny: They lived on opposite sides of the country and he is bald, which is totally icky.
The Skinny: Cage allegedly married her because of his fascination with Elvis Presley and because he was preparing for Wild at Heart, in which he sang “Love Me Tender.” Don’t feel bad for Lisa Marie, she went on to have a long, loving marriage to Michael Jackson.
The Skinny: The marriage was ended with Zellweger citing fraud, which made people assume Chesney was gay. He later claimed that they couldn’t handle the media scrutiny, of which there was none except for her insinuating he was gay.
The Skinny: While Warner is clearly a beautiful young lady, she did not have what Farrell was ultimately looking for – 1,000,000 holes.
The Skinny: Not sure, really. This one caught everyone off guard. Even the Pope was like, “WTF?”
The Skinny: Esposito apparently wasn’t happy. I’m just going to start a rumor that Cooper farts constantly.
The Skinny: Not sure why, but I’ll bet she’s incredibly happy with that choice now.
The Skinny: It probably had something to do with their inability to handle being in the public eye. Or their love for sex with many different people.
The Skinny: The One Tree Hill stars divorced and Murray was dating another former Hill actress immediately after. That may have had something to do with it.
The Skinny: Sources claimed that Doherty and Hamilton were just too young to handle marriage. Other sources claim Hamilton couldn’t handle Doherty’s reputation.
The Skinny: This one is pretty much self-explanatory.
The Skinny: I couldn’t find anything with a valid reason, so I am going to imagine that Conrad’s work as a genetic scientist altered her brain function and made it seem like a good idea to be on “According to Jim.”
The Skinny: Hey, at least this one lasted longer than the last one.
The Skinny: This happened in the 1960s when it was federal law that every man must marry Liz Taylor for at least 6 minutes.
The Skinny: Givens told reporters that she just couldn’t handle how calm and polite Tyson was. Tyson also told reporters that he didn’t appreciate how allowing and forgiving Givens was. Simple misunderstandings.
The Skinny: As proven with every other relationship that he’d been in, Carrey was allergic to marriage.
The Skinny: Milano married Tate, who was the lead singer of Remy Zero, after she had dated Corey Haim for 3 years. So pretty much anything seemed like a good idea at the time.
The Skinny: Nobody except for their closest friends and family members know why these two divorced after 5 years of dating and a short marriage. So I’m going to make something up – he had Ken doll genitalia.
The Skinny: Lopez already had two marriages under her belt before Judd, and she was already developing her reputation as the most demanding diva in show business. As if Judd never saw this coming.
The Skinny: 17 months is considerably longer than most of these other marriages, but since Abdul is considered quite insane, the cause for this divorce had to have been something delightfully crazy. And booze-filled.