The Scourge Of SquAIDS: Town Gripped In Fear Of Squirrel AIDS Epidemic Prank

Residents of Lacey Township, New Jersey, recently flooded local officials with calls and emails asking alarmed questions about an article on the local news website, Lacey Reporter. The article — allegedly uploaded by a hacker — warned locals about an outbreak of squirrel AIDS (also known as squAIDS).

Some locals wanted to know if humans were susceptible, and others were concerned because searching the internet for squAIDS information led them to “uncensored” websites. Excuse me, I have to lay down and laugh for about ten minutes. Somebody’s grandma just saw some awful things on the internet.

The news website’s hoax article prompted both the Ocean County Health Department and Lacey Township Mayor Gary Quinn to release statements denying the existence of squAIDS and reassuring locals they were safe. (TEACH THE CONTROVERSY.)

Daniel Regenye, OCHD Public Health Coordinator added, “County health officials and Lacey Township officials have been in communication since these reports were published. The OCHD has never reported or confirmed any cases of illness transmitted to a human from a squirrel. It is important that we put a stop to these unfounded reports.”

They’re totally covering up the indisputable fact that squAIDS is real and this squirrel has it.

Oops. I guess his doctor hadn’t told him yet. Sorry you had to find out this way, Dennis Squaid. (That’s his name. I named him.)

(Banner image by Manuel Angel via Creative Commons license. Thanks to Melissa for the tip.)