The McRib Is Nothing Less Than An Abomination

11.18.11 18 Comments

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Over the past few years, I have watched as the internet has repeatedly worked itself into a frothy, processed meat-craving frenzy each time McDonald’s announces that it’s selling McRib sandwiches again for “a limited time.” I’ve seen people I follow on Tumblr and Twitter who are unabashed food snobs — people who would typically never even admit to eating fast food in public — express their undying love for the McRib. Hell, there’s even a McRib locator online that helps people find the closest McDonald’s serving the vaunted sandwich.

Still, for whatever reason I had, up until recently, never bothered to try a McRib. It’s not that I’m one of those anti-fast food people — I do enjoy a good In-N-Out burger or some Popeye’s fried chicken or a late night beef meximelt from Taco Bell every now and again — it’s just that our paths have never crossed. A couple of years or so ago, I went to a McDonald’s specifically to try a McRib, but they had sold out of the patties by the time I got there, affirming my belief that I’d been missing out on something great. So when I learned recently that McRib was back again, I was determined to finally right this glaring wrong in my life.

So on Wednesday night I set out to find a McDonald’s serving the McRib — hitting the jackpot at my first stop, as it was. After obtaining the elusive, mysterious sandwich, I couldn’t wait to go back home to eat it — I decided to eat the damn thing right there in the McDonald’s parking lot. Now after eating it I have but one thing to say: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!

Seriously, that was disgusting. I’m talking homeless man’s a$shole in the dead of summer disgusting. Like, not even close to being in the top 5000 sandwiches I’ve had in my life, and let me tell you — I’ve eaten some sh*t sandwiches in my time (Potted meat slathered with ketchup, anyone?). Everything about it was just horribly, horribly wrong. In addition to being just plain sloppy (there’s really something to be said for placing just the right amount of BBQ sauce on something…look at that thing in the photo above…it’s a mess before it’s even removed from the box), the bun was piping hot — indicating that the sandwich had been microwaved — the processed pork patty in the middle was no better than the one I remember being served on “rib sandwich” day in my middle school’s cafeteria, the BBQ sauce was flat-out gross…I could go on and on. And then, to top it all off, my stomach felt as though an alien was trying to eat its way out it later in the night. I DARE YOU TO TELL ME THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT SH*TTY MCRIB SANDWICH YOU MADE ME EAT, INTERNET! I feel as though I need to be a vegetarian for the rest of my life just to make up for the harm I probably did to my body by eating that goddamn thing.

Internet, you have let me down.

Hell, I’d even go so far as to say that you failed me. How the hell are you supposed to maintain credibility with the masses when you fall so easily for some half-a$s marketing ploy by a multinational fast food conglomerate designed to make a painfully obvious turd look like a rare diamond? Why should anyone presently not watching Community believe you now when you insist to them that it’s brilliant and they should watch?

“Oh, yeah, sure, Mr. ‘McRib Is The Greatest Thing Ever.’ I only crapped my pants for three days after eating that culinary abomination of a sandwich. So I’m sure that show you want me to watch is just fabulous. It’s not like I’ve ever strongly disagreed with your cultural taste about anything ever before!”

Can’t you just hear someone saying this after being failed miserably by your masturbatory recommendation of the McRib ? I certainly can!

Just like Fashion Week, pumpkin pie and Brett Ratner movies, just because something only comes around every once in a while does not mean that it’s good, people. Anyone who encourages anyone else to eat one of these things should be sterilized, including the people in the damn ad below, which is what made me curious to finally check out the damn thing a while back.

McRib sucks. Period.

(Pic via McDonald’s)

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