Autobots & Decepticons: Pairing NBA Players And Transformers

06.29.11 6 years ago 27 Comments


With Transformers: Dark of the Moon coming out today, I thought it would be fun to compare NBA players to some of Michael Bay‘s 30-foot titanium killing machines. Naturally.

Optimus Prime: Prime is the leader of the Autobots (the good guys). He is powerful, brave, wise and compassionate. He has a strong sense of justice and has dedicated himself to the protection of all life, including those on Earth.

Player Comparison: Kendrick Perkins – they look exactly alike.


Bumble Bee: Considered the “little brother” of the Autobots, Bumble Bee is persistently seeking the approval of the other bots. Because of his insecurity and sarcasm, he often gets himself into trouble, eventually having to be rescued.

Player Comparison: Baron Davis – Though Baron isn’t exactly seeking approval from anyone, expect maybe his personal chef (Baron, you’re done already?!), he does like to get himself into trouble. His refusal to stay in shape, his lack of conditioning, his kind words about former college coach Steve Lavin: “We should have a banner up there: the only team to make the tournament without a coach.” Baron takes the cake on this one (pun intended).


Iron Hide: Iron hide is Optimus Prime’s oldest friend. He is also the team’s weapons specialist. He’s tough, rugged and has fought through countless injuries.

Player Comparison: Gilbert Arenas – Gilbert isn’t exactly tough, and I’m not sure he has many friends, but he has battled injuries. Oh yeah, and he kept a weapon in his locker.


Sideswipe: Sideswipe makes his appearance in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (the second one). He’s a martial arts master who specializes in hand-to-hand combat.

Player Comparison: Metta World Peace (Ron Artest) – Who better than M.W.P. to compare to a 15-foot robot who specializes in fighting. Sideswipe looks tough on his Wikipedia page with cybertanium arm blades for hands and a rocket launcher strapped to his back. But I think I’m taking Metta if things were to get physical. You never bet against a guy who thanks his psychiatrist on national television minutes after winning a world championship.


Ratchet: Ratchet is the medical officer and mechanic on the team.

Player Comparison: Brandon Roy – Too soon?


Jetfire: Jetfire was originally a Decepticon (a bad guy) who became an Autobot. He disagreed with the destruction and violence the other Decepticons believed in. Jetfire is one of the oldest Autobots and an original “Prime” (a legendary group of elite Autobots).

Player Comparison: Juwan Howard – Both are old and have been part of legendary groups: Jetfire with the “Primes” and Howard the “Fab Five.” Another similarity, both were extinct before being awakened by a magical source (the “Allspark” and the “Big Three”).


Megatron: Megatron is the founder and leader of the Decepticons as well as the mortal enemy of Optimus Prime. He is cold, ruthless and feared – determined to conquer the universe, destroying anything and everything that stands in his way. He has no regard for human life (thanks Marv) and feels they should be exterminated.

Player Comparison: Kevin Garnett – As arguably the most-hated player in the NBA, KG doesn’t disappoint in the “cold” and “ruthless” categories. He is intense and intimidating, and much like Megatron, he yells a lot (“ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”). And although the Celtics aren’t contemplating a human annihilation or global takeover, some would consider them just as evil.


Starscream: Starscream is Megatron’s consigliere. A devoted soldier who has pledged his undying loyalty to the Decepticons. But unlike Sil (if you watched The Sopranos), Starscream has hatred for Megatron – one day seeking to become the leader of the Decepticons.

Player Comparison: Russell Westbrook – After the Thunder-Mavericks series, we’re not really sure what’s going on behind the scenes in Oklahoma City. I think we all remember Westbrook doing the Durant-should-be-taking-these-shots-right-now act in Game 4 and 5 (RW: 50 shots in G4+G5, KD: 42 shots in G4+G5). Basically, there could be a power struggle brewing in OKC. Let’s just be thankful these two aren’t 30-foot robots strapped with missiles and grenades. Things could have gotten ugly.

What do you think?

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