DimeBag: The Weekly Dime Mailbag, Volume XV

DimeBag

DimeBag (design. Ryan Hurst)

HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown.

Ah, the perils of no training camp, a condensed schedule and disgruntled players. Let’s get to it.

Isaac, Tampa:

Rick Carlisle is making Lamar Odom get in better shape. My question is, why is he the only player that’s receiving such widespread public scrutiny. And what was he doing during the lockout anyway?

Keep in mind that Lamar Odom is 32 years old, has multiple deep playoff runs under his belt and, you know, he married a Kardashian. I’ve never seen their marriage on reality television, but I’m 98.7 percent sure that Khloe wears the pants. And the belt. And she probably beats him with it repeatedly. This is my own twisted theory, but everyone assumes David Stern killed the CP3 trade. Wrong. It was Khloe. Pretending to enjoy basketball was hard enough; she wasn’t going to fly back and forth to Dallas while grungy Texans threw their Cowboy hats at her. Point is, Odom had no time for himself during the lockout. The second she knew daily conditioning wasn’t vital, she zeroed in. LET’S GO SHOPPING. LET’S GO TO DINNER AND TALK UNTIL THE RESTAURANT CLOSES (You know, like real married couples do it!). COME TO YOGA WITH ME AND PRETEND IT SUFFICES FOR EXERCISE. Lamar never stood a chance.

When he marched into Mitch Kupchak‘s office demanding a trade, Kupchak’s tacit compliance shocked everyone, especially since he pawned Odom off for second round picks, literally the worst trade asset in all of basketball besides “a player to be named later.” But here’s what really happened. Odom sniffed an opportunity to take back control – the knowledge that he could walk into his Dallas apartment, watch TV, maybe drink a beer, go to the bathroom in peace, etc. So he went into Kupchak’s office, dropped to his knees in complete supplication, shed a tear or two and said, “Dude, my freedom is in your hands.” Kupchak knew. So he accepted the first deal on the table. It may have been a bad basketball trade, but it was the apex of man-code ethics. Then Kim went apartment shopping with him in Dallas and it all went to sh*t. At least he tried.

Anyway, about Odom’s lack of fitness: Give it a few weeks and he’ll be back in a groove. His greatest asset is his versatile skill set: He’s annoyingly crafty and talented, but not physically imposing. He’s not going to out-run or out-muscle you, so it shouldn’t take that long for him to get back to where he was. Once there, we can keep pretending that Dallas actually has a title shot.

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