Senior Editor
01.14.08 65 Comments

The is the first five minutes of Teeth, which looks like a really weird John Waters-type movie.

Starring Jess Weixler and John Hensley, the plot crunch goes like this: High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group’s most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad’s increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth. 

I dunno man, in my experience, these abstinence advocacy prudes rarely have teeth down there – just a lot of hair.  Like, a lot of hair. 

Abstinence is a great strategy though.  Because usually what’ll happen is, a guy will start trying to bang you, and eventually it’ll consume his entire life so much that he agrees to marry you, and it’ll be only after he starts getting regular sex that he’ll realize how annoying you really are and that he doesn’t even like you, let alone love you.  But by then he’s trapped because you’re married and are gonna have kids together and you’ve done trapped yourself a husband who hates your guts just like it says in the bible.

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