Like most 30-year-olds with back fur, unfortunate teeth, and crippling shyness around the opposite sex, Patrick the wombat has a hard time getting laid. And, in a move that clearly would not have Patrick’s approval if he were aware of such things, wildlife officers at Ballarat Wildlife Park in Ballarat, Australia have signed him up for a Tinder account. But Patrick isn’t just any ordinary sexually frustrated bachelor who still lives in his childhood home — he is also the oldest bare-nosed wombat in captivity. And while bare-nosed wombats are not critically endangered like their hairy-nosed cousins, they are still considered a “protected species” in New South Wales, so there are many important ecological reasons for Patrick to bone.
Just like other Tinder users who have committed the unforgivable faux pas of trying to date while being not quite skinny enough to inspire an erection, Patrick has had a difficult time finding love on the app. But while Tinder users all over the world have eventually found love (and even more, instantly-regrettable sex), Patrick the Wombat has an even bigger (if completely predictable) problem: he is the only wombat on the dating site.
Even in the unlikely event that another zoo signs up a single lady wombat on Tinder, or in the considerably more unlikely (but overwhelmingly cinematic) event that a genetically-engineered hyper-intelligent lady wombat escapes from the top-secret Australian Army Combat Wombat Testing Facility to try her paw at online dating, Patrick would still screw up the first date. Like other marsupials and most women from New Jersey, female wombats are drawn to aggressive, dominant mates and Patrick, sadly, is the sensitive type. So, unless he takes up the acoustic guitar, Patrick will likely remain single for the rest of his life.
Until that special, understanding lady wombat swipes right, Patrick will continue to focus on his hobbies, which include wheelbarrow rides, rolling in hay, and producing perfectly square poos.
Postscript: Since this is a story about an Australian animal, you might be wondering if wombats — adorable, huggable wombats — are also ferocious hell-beasts.
Yes. Yes they are.
