[EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a piece of opinion and satire. Cool? -ed]
The horde is closing in and you are desperate.
Your pursuers used to be human, they used to be your friends and loved ones, but something has transformed them into mindless, violent beasts. Your heart races. You want to cry, but you’re too dehydrated to spare the tears.
Resources are low. Morale is non-existent. You wonder how society deteriorated into this barren, dangerous hellscape so quickly. You remember a world that used to make sense, a world with laws and order and kindness. But that world is a distant memory now, and you’re no longer entirely certain it wasn’t just a fever dream.
The horde is closing in, but you keep running — stumbling, picking yourself up, pressing forward in hopes of salvation. You know that fighting is futile, that the madness will soon consume you, the same way it consumed the others, and you will become just another soulless shell, fueled by base instincts and appetite.
No, this isn’t the end of the world. It isn’t Fear the Walking Dead‘s zombie apocalypse.
It’s not quite as bad as all that. But it’s close — especially considering that you paid $500 just for this nightmarish experience.You can try begging God for mercy, but he abandoned you a long time ago. Because you are at Coachella. And Kings of Leon are on the main stage in 48 minutes.
***
It’s not just Coachella either — though it’s a good place to start. In truth, the Walking Dead zombies would blend in pretty well at all sorts of festivals. Ask yourself, “Would I recognize a zombie if there was techno and strobe lights running? If she was handing me a beer? Or a Faygo?”
COACHELLA VALLEY MUSIC AND ARTS FESTIVAL
Every year, thousands of the world’s most attractive and annoying residents (wearing oversized sunglasses and mustaches like Old West barkeeps) descend on the Coachella Valley for two weekends full of heat stroke, vintage denim rashes, overpriced kettle corn, even more overpriced cocaine, and trying (but often failing) to smuggle that cocaine past the police.
Also, apparently some music and Star Trek hologram stuff happens there, too.
It’s not quite as bad as getting eaten by a zombie because…despite the heat, and the dust, and the contraband selfie-sticks, Coachella still attracts some of the best musical acts in the world, and has been the site of some of the most noteworthy and notorious moments in pop culture over the past few years. Also, the festival has been a cash cow for the Coachella Valley, generating $254.4 million for the region in 2012 alone.
You might be fooled when…you see a throng of desperate people outside your fenced-in compound, saying they need to be with you, and yet you walk away because you barely have enough resources as is, and they only thing separating you from the doomed masses is the metal fence.
But don’t worry, it’s not a zombie apocalypse…it’s just the desperate throng of people who couldn’t get tickets to the perpetually sold-out festival. And since the festival barely has enough food, water, and toilets for paying guests (not counting the ones being used by Gerard Butler for sexual encounters), it is essential that the outsiders remain in the barren, unforgiving deserts of the Coachella Valley.
Or sit enviously sipping strawberry lemonade at Applebees.
[Anything associated with Burning Man has an element of NSFW, so if you’re at work, click with caution. -ed]
Thousands of the world’s most brightly painted, bunny-hat wearing residents gather every year in Black Rock Desert, Nev. for a week of art, music, bartering back massages for vegan chili, loads of deeply spiritual desert sex, sunburns, drugs, anarchy, and collective pyromania.
It’s not quite as bad as getting eaten by a zombie because…despite the many things that are gross about Burning Man (and there are many), the festival also attracts some of the most creative and unconventional artists and thinkers in the world, and their creations are truly and legitimately amazing.
In addition, the festival features oodles of public nudity (occasionally even performed by people you want to see naked). Which is undeniably awesome.
You might be fooled when…you see mankind struggling to survive in a dusty, barren, post-apocalyptic landscape with no laws, order, or running water.
But don’t worry, it’s not a zombie apocalypse…it’s just a dusty, barren, post-apocalyptic landscape with no laws, order, or running water. Because that’s pretty much the exact tagline in the Burning Man media kit.
PORTLAND INTERNATIONAL BEER FESTIVAL
People travel from all over the world to Holladay Park in Portland, Ore. every year for a three day festival full of tasting craft beers from around the world, sampling food from the city’s best finest restaurants and food trucks, listening to music, and annoying the locals with Portlandia references.
It’s not quite as bad as getting eaten by a zombie because…The Portland International Beer Festival has assembled some of the most delicious beers and food on earth. So, if you’re going to be stuck at a festival, with all the inherently annoying things contained therein, at least the tasty burritos and beverages will dull the pain.
You might be fooled when…you see a man in tattered plaid, staggering through the underbrush, groaning and foaming at the mouth.
But don’t worry, it’s not a zombie apocalypse…it’s just a Pacific Northwest lumbersexual after one too many double IPAs (or something even stronger) searching for an environmentally-conscious spot to puke out his artisanal churro.
[The zombie walk might be on hiatus this year. Or they’re just poor planners. Tough to say. -ed]
Join fellow zombie enthusiasts in downtown Long Beach for a three day festival of food, music, zombie prom, screenings of classic horror films, a 5K zombie shuffle, and frantically reapplying neck gore makeup in a port-a-potty (see a theme here? It’s blue plastic toilets). The Long Beach Zombie Walk has been organized by the Long Beach Cinematheque and attracts over 12,000 people to pretend to be brain-eating corpses and celebrate all things zombie.
In related news, every year 12,000 sets of parents loudly question their children’s life choices in unison, then sigh and fix themselves another scotch.
It’s not quite as bad as being eaten by a zombie because…as silly as a zombie festival is (and it’s pretty damn silly), the festival is cheap ($15 a day and kids are free) and once you get past sweating under your zombie prosthetics and communicating with groans, it looks like a pretty fun time.
You might be fooled when…you see someone lurching toward you, muttering about brains and wearing gore makeup that would have looked bad even during the Walking Dead’s most budget conscious moments.
But don’t worry, it’s not a zombie apocalypse…it’s just a zombie enthusiast on his way to the Dippin Dots stand. And since anything that could be said about a person who would spend three days pretending to be a reanimated corpse has already been said to them, in a much crueler way, by the mean kids in high school, let’s not pile it on.
From what I can tell, this Las Vegas gathering is about celebrating electronic dance music, buying ecstasy from some guy who looks like your Uncle Dirk in a fairy godmother costume, ingesting said ecstasy along with several $8 bottles of water to “totally replenish my spinal fluid,” then staring, transfixed at the strobe light bouncing off a security guard’s forehead.
It’s not quite as bad as getting eaten by a zombie because…The Electric Daisy Carnival started off as a warehouse party in Los Angeles in 1992, and has expanded to become one of the largest music festivals in the world, with over 700,000 attendees in 2014. Electric Daisy Carnival festivals are now held in New York, Chicago, and many other international locations. Electronic dance music might sound like robots having angry sex, and the strobe lights are a seizure risk, but if you want to dance like a zombie with other like-minded zombies (many of whom are teeth-achingly hot) then this is the place for you!
"Maybe electronic dance isn't so bad after all." -the author
You might be fooled when…you see a man on the dance floor, flailing his arms and screaming like he has lost all control of his bodily functions and has somehow been transformed into a twitching bag of meat and teeth.
But don’t worry, it’s not a zombie apocalypse…it’s just the drug dealer who looks like your Uncle Dirk trying to dance. Because it’s really hard to move in a fairy godmother costume when you have MDMA coursing through your veins.
[Anything associated with the Gathering of the Juggalos has an EXTREME element of NSFW, so if you’re at work, click with EXTREME caution. -ed]
Every year, fans of the Insane Clown Posse (aka Juggalos), gather for five days of drugs, clown makeup, Insane Clown Posse “music,” “music” that sounds like Insane Clown Posse, drugs, Vanilla Ice, off-brand soda, drugs, boob flashes, violence, drugs, drugs, drugs, and hopefully, a screening of Big Money Rustlas.
It’s not quite as bad as getting eaten by a zombie because…Though the festival itself sounds like hell (and a hell full of clowns and ICP’s distinctive brand of murder-based-possibly-Christian hip hop, which is way worse than regular hell), it turns out Juggalos might not be quite as terrible as they seem. Though technically classified as a gang, Juggalos have organized toy drives, highway clean ups, and charity work. Also, when they’re not punching themselves or others, a local business owner described Gathering of the Juggalo attendees as “more polite than the people at any other concerts we’ve had here.”
You might be fooled when…you see an actress you vaguely recognize being attacked by a crowd of braindead, bloodthirsty maniacs,
But don’t worry, it’s not a zombie apocalypse…though it most certainly is an actress you vaguely recognize being attacked by a crowd of braindead, bloodthirsty maniacs. The woman in question is Tila Tequila, and yes, the Juggalos are throwing human feces at her. Zombies regularly eat people, but even they won’t throw their own sh*t (even at a noted Hitler-enthusiast like Tequila). So on a social decorum scale, Juggalos are actually less dignified than zombies.
Arguably much worse. The horror. The horror.
