‘The Dark Tower’ Review: What The Hell Happened?

08.02.17 3 months ago 96 Comments

Sony

The Dark Tower is so astoundingly awful that when you leave the theater you’ll likely be less mad you wasted your time than flabbergasted that something like this could a) happen and b) be released as something that, theoretically, is going to launch a multi-platform franchise. The Dark Tower has been in production for around ten years in some form or another. This final product reminds me a lot of the GOP healthcare plan: You’ve had all this time and THIS is what you come up with? I can already picture John McCain strolling into a theater this weekend, giving a dramatic thumbs down, killing The Dark Tower forever.

The Dark Tower is, of course, based on a popular series of books by Stephen King. I have never read these books but people I trust swear they are good. I am curious what someone who has read the books will think of this movie. Will it make sense? Because I can tell you if you haven’t read the books, the plot is incoherent. I’ve been told that The Dark Tower books are jam-packed with dense plot, wonderful characters, and a sprawling mythology – which is what made the movie so hard to make for all these years. Well, the solution seems to have been to just scrap all that and release a shockingly short 95-minute movie that just kind of glosses over everything to the point that has any meaning or purpose.

Honestly, I just can’t get over how much of a disaster this movie turned out to be. I’m flabbergasted. (I’ve used that word twice now, but it’s true and I am.) In trying to think of another movie The Dark Tower reminded me of, the closest I could come up with is Jonah Hex. And there’s a better-than-average chance you’ve never seen Jonah Hex so that reference is probably lost on you. I digress.

Directed by Nikolaj Arcel from a script by Akiva Goldsman and others, The Dark Tower opens with children playing, an ominous siren goes off, then the children report to some sort of basecamp so that Matthew McConaughey’s The Man in Black can hook them up to machines and use their brainwaves as a weapon to attack the Dark Tower. I have a few questions here the movie never answers. Does this process kill the children? We are never told. Why does The Man in Black want to destroy the Dark Tower? No clue, except that “he’s evil” and the Dark Tower is getting in his way of being evil for unexplained reasons. Oh, also, the brainwaves of children might destroy the Dark Tower, though it hasn’t worked yet, but The Man in Black keeps trying.

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