It’s tough keeping up with Justin Bieber. He’s just so…douchey, to the point where he makes The Douche, of Crazy Ira and The Douche fame, seem like Casey Kasem by comparison. I’ve never been within a mile of the Beebs (the court took care of that problem), but I imagine being around him is like wandering into an Axe Body Spray walk-in humidor. How Selena, who seems like a normal-ish person, lasted as long as she did, I’ll never know.
After yesterday’s incident, which I’ll get to later, I thought it wise to cull together some of the Swaggy Bro’s douchiest moments from throughout his still relatively-young career. What does the future hold in store? Will he rob a Hollister store, shirtless, while listening to DMB? The answer: yes. Justin Bieber: history’s douchiest monster.
#1. This note, from the Anne Frank House’s Facebook page:
Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House, together with his friends and guards. Fans were waiting outside to see a glimpse of him. He stayed more than an hour in the museum. In our guestbook he wrote: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” (Via)
#2. Still trying to make sense of the time JB killed Bowser, stole his shell, and painted it yellow.
#3. He began the year a Los Angeles Lakers fan (“from the womb”), he’ll end it a Miami Heat bro.
#4. Along the athletics line: OF COURSE he hangs out with boxing’s Miami Heat, Floyd Mayweather, Jr.
#5. Justin Bieber’s car is faster than a cheetah; the poor cat’s blood is sprayed all over his Audi.
#6. That time he bought a monkey in Germany, nearly caused Outbreak, then left it behind.
#7. When Bieber tweets “worst birthday,” what does that mean?
“Worst birthday,” he tweeted to his more than 35 million followers. The tone of the message was in stark contrast with his excitement from earlier in the day, when he wrote, “Gonna be fun tonight. 19!”
So what went wrong? A source at London’s Cirque du Soir, where the “Nothing Like Us” crooner was celebrating with friends including Will Smith’s son Jaden Smith and British singer Ella-Paige Roberts Clarke, tells Us Weekly that there was a confrontation between Bieber’s team and security at the venue. The alleged source of the scuffle was Smith, who at 14 isn’t old enough for the club scene.
One night earlier, he and his pals partied past dawn at the members-only after-hours club BLC (British Luxury Club) in London. From there, they headed to Edgware Road for some snacks before finally calling it a night at 6 a.m. Later, before going to Cirque du Soir, Bieber went on a shopping spree at Selfridges, where he picked up some Christian Louboutin sneakers, Hermes accessories, and a ton of Balmain and Givenchy swag. (Via)
#8. Never Forget: where you were when you saw Beebs saying “f*ck Bill Clinton” after pissing into a mop bucket.
#9. The entirety of Big Daddy Drew’s GQ profile, including this immortal passage:
Everyone gathers around as Bieber tours the van. He is euphoric. So much so that he has decided to pledge his loyalty to West Coast Customs forever and to decry its rival, Platinum Motorsport. “F*ck Platinum,” he says. “Platinum can suck a dick, man. West Coast all day.” This is a different Bieber from the one who was imprisoned with me. This must be the Bieber that Bieber would like to be all the time. His R-rated rant, though, draws a reprimand from Friedlinghaus. “I respect everyone’s business—it’s all love, dog,” he tells Bieber. “Dudes came from my neighborhood, you know what I mean?” Bieber is chastened. “I respect that,” he says. To atone, he invites Friedlinghaus and the West Coast Crew into his recording bungalow to listen to new songs. “I’m 18 years old and I’m a swaggy adult!” he yells. “Come on, swaggy bros!” (Via)
#10. I don’t know why (I do), but JB posting this on his Instagram is the worst thing he’s ever done. Yet.
(via Getty Image)