A suburban Detroit man was arrested on Saturday for trying to break into Kid Rock’s house. While that in itself might not be especially newsworthy, what’s notable is that the man tried to do it on crutches. After driving a van through Kid Rock’s front gate, A-Team style. While on crutches.
I swear to God I’m not making this up.
The arrest came after surveillance photos from security cameras on Kid Rock’s property in Clarkston were released this weekend. The photos showed a man ramming the gate Wednesday afternoon and trying to break into the house. He also was on crutches and failed to get in.
A 1994 Ford Club Wagon van, which was used to force open the gated driveway to the property, also was recovered and impounded.
I have three theories:
1. The guy wasn’t on crutches originally, but hurt himself trying to drive a van through somebody’s front gate. He just happened to have crutches in his van, and he thought “welp, I’ve broken and entered, I might as well follow through with this robbery.”
2. He didn’t need crutches but knew there’d be surveillance everywhere and figured he could use “BUT THE ROBBER WAS ON CRUTCHES, OFFICER, AS YOU CAN SEE I CAN WALK JUST FINE” as an out.
3. He reached such a level of fury that he couldn’t wait six weeks or whatever for his leg to heal and had to rob Kid Rock’s home right now. That’s my favorite one. Like, ‘Picture’ came on the radio randomly and sent him into a freakout.
Kid Rock’s response to the attempted break-in? MURDER.
“Thank God I was not on the property at the time of this attempted break in,” read the website post. “I am an avid hunter and marksman and I will not hesitate to shoot anyone who has myself or family in fear for our lives.”
I wish the statement had been “I will shoot you with flaming arrows,” but I’ll take it.