Considering that people on the Internet will argue about everything from 2+2 equaling 4 to the Earth being round, I feel confident in saying that the one thing that we all agree on is Hall & Oates being the greatest American music duo of all time. However, the photog sleuths of TMZ caught up with John Oates in Nashville last Thursday night, and he revealed a little nugget of information that could change the way we look at these amazing artists for the rest of time. Sure, a lot of people already knew this information, but that’s not going to stop our minds from being blown. It turns out that the legendary single “Rich Girl” isn’t about a girl at all.
Instead, it’s actually about a rich dude.
Oates said the song was written by Daryl Hall … about a guy who used to date Sara Allen — Hall’s GF at the time. Oates said the dude was a spoiled fast food heir who was a “burn out.”
We did some digging … the guy’s name is Victor Walker. His dad owned The Walker Bros. Original Pancake House in Chicago. He also owned 15 KFC franchises. (Via TMZ)
Must’ve taken a huge shovel to crack the ground on Wikipedia and see Daryl Hall’s explanation of the song that he gave during an interview with American Songwriter years ago, but the thing about tidbits like this is that it’s always news to someone. Does this mean that any of the other great Hall & Oates classics are different from what they seem? Yes. All of them.
Fortunately, my team of researchers and fact checkers was able to track down former musicians and roadies that worked with Hall & Oates in the 70s and 80s, and they confirmed for me the true meanings* of these beloved hit songs that have lasted for decades.
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What it’s actually about: Hall & Oates really loved chocolate milk, so they believed that by affectionately singing about Yoo-hoo, they could convince the company to stock their tour bus with an unlimited supply of the delicious drink. It is rumored that Hall once filled a hot tub with Yoo-hoo and almost drowned after falling asleep during the seduction of two female fans.
What it’s actually about: During 1980 and 1981, Hall & Oates actively participated in cannibalism. They hunted the homeless for sport in major American cities on their tours, and later boasted of their conquests in this song. They got away with it, because their lust for human flesh was only the tip of the iceberg in a conspiracy that ran as deep as the Ronald Reagan White House.
What it’s actually about: This song is about the first time that Hall’s niece used the potty on her own. Unfortunately, the label thought that was a ridiculous premise for a song, so they lied and claimed it was about some girl leaving, or something dumb like that.
I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)
What it’s actually about: While the lyrics vaguely suggest something far more sexual and taboo between two lovers, Hall admitted that it’s actually about leasing a sports car. “It’s just not financially wise,” he told American Songwriter, “I mean, who on Earth throws away money like that?”
Out of Touch
What it’s actually about: One of the duo’s biggest pop hits of the 80s, “Out of Touch” was written about a girl that Oates dated in 1983. She lost both of her hands in a fireworks accident and then stole his watch, hence “You’re out of touch, I’m out of time.” Shortly after, Hall would become the primary lyricist for the remainder of their relationship.
What it’s actually about: Hall’s longtime girlfriend Sara Evans was more than just a muse, as she also helped the duo with ideas for their songs. For example, she is credited with fixing the chorus to “Maneater” when Hall was first writing it. Naturally, because of her importance to Hall & Oates, “Sara Smile” is attributed to Allen, but it was originally intended to be a jingle for an orthodontist that Oates knew from high school.
What it’s actually about: Hall had an idea for a cartoon about an Army sergeant that was a giant nose, and two other soldiers that were ears, and a bumbling private that was just a pair of eyes, named Private Eyes. This was the theme song that he wrote before he was laughed out of the CBS studios and banned from the lot.
*Hall & Oates have not denied any of these stories, so we should go ahead and assume they are true. And yes, this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever written, but Hall & Oates 4 life, suckers.