Global superstar Paul the Octopus, who has probably surpassed Sir Paul McCartney, the guy from the Bible, Paul Wall and Paula Abdul as the coolest creature named Paul in the universe, has been a picking fiend in this year’s World Cup soccer tournament. Unfortunately for him, every time he chooses correctly against a team he picks up a legion of haters who are hungry for a plate of his tentacles. For example, Psychic Paul was beloved by his home country Germany up until he picked them to lose to Spain. They did. Now they want to eat him.
Not an ordinarily superstitious people, Germans became believers in Paul’s possible psychic powers. The country was shocked and distraught when he picked Spain to win after tipping German wins over Argentina, England, Ghana and Australia.
German newspapers and websites were filled with suggestions of what to do with Paul — most involved cooking and eating him.
“Throw him in the frying pan,” wrote the Berliner Kurier newspaper in a popular sentiment echoed by Die Welt, Sueddeutsche Zeitung, the Hamburger Abendblatt and other newspapers.
“Nothing beats grilled octopus,” said Dolores Lusch, a Germany fan who works on a Berlin fish stall. “Cut him up in thin slices and grill him on all sides with a dash of lemon juice, olive oil and garlic on it. Delicious!” -Yahoo!
Paul, whose picks are televised live on German television because well, why the hell not, could make history by becoming the world’s first psychic animal martyr. Bards will be singing of his exploits for generations to come as we remember how he kept correctly making picks in the face of media scrutiny and immeasurable death threats. If he dies I’d be willing to bet it’ll be bigger than when Barbaro was put down. Affirmed.
Just yesterday even I, one of Paul’s biggest supporters, mused on twitter that the World Cup Champions should be rewarded with a delicious meal of roast Paul. WHAT HAVE I DONE?! Please forgive me for that, my dear friend. I think it’s time the zookeepers hire some doppelganger octopus’s to throw off hired killers bent on revenge assassinating our eight-armed cephalopod buddy, because if Sadaam Hussein can have a fleet of body doubles why can’t Paul? Do the Germans have a bigger star than Paul right now? I can’t believe they want him dead. This is akin to them putting a hit out on David Hasselhoff.
Paul, who couldn’t be reached for comment because he’s an octopus, probably doesn’t realize what grave danger he’s in. I’m holding out hope that they sign him up for the witness protection program and he ends up at my house. I’ve always wanted to befriend a celebrity. Now I just need to make sure nobody eats him first.