If you weren’t aware, Kris Humphries and his fiancée Kim Kardashian are rich. Kris is rich because he’s spent the last seven years playing in the NBA, and Kim has a big ass and a sex tape. So it shouldn’t surprise you that you should hold on to your butts while looking at their wedding registry, unearthed today by prestigious sports blog HollywoodLife.com.
Here are some of the highlights, liberally copied and pasted, because holy sh** if you click the actual registry and read through it it will blow your mind.
An Osiris Butter Spreader — $43
A Baccarat Missouri Candy Bowl — $375
A Cunill Galaxy Sterling Frame — $470
A Saint James Silver Baba Vacaro Bowl — $330
A Lalique Tourbillon Black Vase — $6500
A Baccarat Eye Large Vase — $950
A Baccarat Missouri Jam Jar — $380
A Baccarat Missouri Mustard Jar — $175
A Moser Bar Bowl — $140
A Lalique Black New York Clock — $1115
A Lalique Cactus Flacon #2 — $450
A Lalique Ingrid Black Vase — $4625
An Hermes Balcon Du Guadalquivir Black Bread & Butter Plate # 1 — $105
An Hermes Balcon Du Guadalquivir Black Bread Plate #4 — $105
A Buccellati Torchon Salad Serving Spoon — $880
A William Yeoward Country Martini Glass — $46
I don’t think Kim Kardashian was expecting a rounded dish when she put a “bowl” on her wish-list. And 175 dollars for a mustard jar! Maybe I’m not related to a Jenner, but the most elaborate mustard-holding device I’ve ever owned is a yellow cylinder with a nipple on top. Which, come to think of it, sounds a lot like Kim Kardashian.
Also on the wish-list: an onyx “sleeping nude” statue, assumedly to remind her of every boyfriend she’s had besides Kris Humphries. I think in the spirit of good will and matrimony, we should all pitch in and get her stuff from the Etsy Collection. I’m sure there’s a Kris Humphries statue or a portrait or a pinata in there somewhere. No? Is he not famous enough for that?