Best: It’s Sin Cara! And He’s Doin’ Stuff!
Michael Cole tried to explain that the WWE Universe had crashed their servers (with text messages) during Power to the People and that Sin Cara vs. Evan Bourne was the match we’d all wanted to see, but if any of this were true Raw would’ve featured Mason Ryan in black trunks wrestling Mason Ryan in yellow trunks (his 2P alternate). Regardless, we got the closest thing to a WCW Cruiserweights match we’re going to get on a 2011 Raw, and I enjoyed it. I read a lot of things like “underwhelming” and “didn’t live up to the hype”, to which I ask “how much do you expect to be whelmed, honestly” and “what hype” respectively.
Sin Cara got to look good on the live show, and he seems to be shaking off a lot of the early criticism that even I gave into. Bourne got to wrestle someone who doesn’t just kick him in the face for a minute and a half. The crowd dug it, the mood lighting made everyone in the arena want to have sex with Diane Keaton, and we got a better wrestling match than usual. Enjoy it, friends! If they get online and read a bunch of “meh, workrate workrate workrate fart” about it they aren’t going to ever do it again. Praise it, and eventually maybe Evan Bourne will be curtain jerking a Survivor Series against f**king Super Calo.
Worst: So Is It Just Impossible To Take La Mistica
It could’ve had something to do with Bourne being legitimately two and a half feet tall, but it’s concerning that we live in a world where Ted DiBiase goddamned Junior can take a lucha finisher better than Matt Sydal. I think they should try to get over La Mistica as like a time vortex, where Cara starts spinning around you so fast and so thoroughly that you lose all sense of equilibrium and just collapse into mush on your face. This might explain why Cara ends up in a different place every time he finishes the move, because different people can last longer in it. It’s like an existential submission. Have people sell it by developing permanent brain damage. Like, have Chavo Guerrero prepping to pass a bar exam, but then Sin Cara spins around him a bunch and Chavo fails it because he just draws doggies in the margins and drools on himself.
They should bring in Dragon Kid and have him fall on his head every time he tries to do the Christo. So, have it be like the first five or six years Dragon Kid wrestled.
or, more specifically,
Best: The Way Maryse Says “Capitol Punishment”
“Capitolpun-ISHment”. Whoops, just did the anime exasperation collapse.
I don’t mind Maryse having this role on the show. They should utilize her as the beautiful French lady who stands around backstage and interacts with the wrestlers. That’s better than nothing. Her segment was full of little bests, including Maryse considering her love of “purses, SHOES” to be a love of “everything”, Del Rio checking out her ass as she spun the wheel, and Booker’s overly-animated “I don’t make the matches, man. JESS WHO MAKE DA SPINS, AIGHT”. Del Rio and Maryse would be the perfect match as a couple of rich people who get super pissed at mostly-insignificant setbacks, aka “the cast of every show on the CW”.
Worst case scenario we eventually do an multinational Pretty in Pink love triangle and turn Ricardo Rodriguez into the most verbose Ducky in history. But then again that’s my solution to everything. “Make them Ducky!”