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The Dugout: How To Pick Up Soccer Girls On The Internet

By 07.21.11

Women’s Soccer has suddenly become an important thing in the United States, and even our baseball players are taking notice. Well, not really “taking notice” as much as “noticing the hot girls”, but Tampa Bay Rays third baseman Evan Longoria has taken a break from chasing people in helicopters and stealing their hats to hit on one of the prettier members of the team, the legitimately foxy Alex Morgan, via Twitter. Burnsy covered the story yesterday, so be sure to click through and read his post should you need more information for today’s strip than “baseball guy wants to nail soccer girl”.

A couple of disclaimers:

1. As always, The Dugout contains frank depictions of real life situations and reader discretion is advised.
2. The opinions of characters in The Dugout do not necessarily represent those of its writer.
3. Somebody contact me via Twitter, I want to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game.

Today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: tell her soccer sucks  
EvanAlmighty: Why would I do that? I’m not going to do that.  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: tell her soccer sucks a dyack  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what why not  
EvanAlmighty: I’m trying to hit on a girl that plays soccer for a living, the first thing I say to her can’t be "soccer sucks".  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: yes you can because its true and it does, she will respect your truthiness les’t shes liven a lie  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: soccer’s not even a sport, because i hate it

you arnt an ahtlete if you just run aroun for two hours kicken, those gals ain’t athletes, they are less athletic than the oakland athletics

 
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: an don’t be foolt by the name oaklands team is actually extremely unathletic  
EvanAlmighty: I think I’m gonna just go with "hey, what’s up?"  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: an then a marredge proposal in the harshtags

"your great at soccer bet you got a huge cock #marryme"

 
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is this the one that looks like lightening from FF13′s mom or the one named after star wars  
EvanAlmighty: different girl  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: but you said she playd soccer for a living  
EvanAlmighty: She does.  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: o shat i thought those was the only 2  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: look if you wanna put it in her shoulder-lookin ass so bad why dont you just invite her here, figure it out later, family style

an when i say “shoulder-lookin ass” i dont mean she looks like a shoulder i mean to say her ass area literally looks like two shoulders

nm what would get her to the trop

 
EvanAlmighty: how about "hey, we’ve got a great team and we’re trying to get into second place, come out and support us!"  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: lol like that has ever f**ken workt  
EvanAlmighty: I’m gonna say "we want you to throw out the first pitch at a Rays game!"  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: or "come to our empty baseball warehouse an ill buy you a miller heavy an a 9 dollar hot dog"

but yeah sure

 
EvanAlmighty: /tweets  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what’d she say  
EvanAlmighty: I don’t know, I just sent it, I have to wait for her to respond.  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: o  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ok well i guess we’ll just wait quietly till she twats  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth:  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: so you ever watch the show "breaking bad"

my favorite character, probly, is john bad

 
EvanAlmighty: She retweeted me and added "Let’s do it!"  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: cool perfect man now all you gotta do is litrally everything else

whatre you gonna wear

 
EvanAlmighty: Baseball clothes? Argh, should I wear home or away?  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: do you have street clothes as a alternate attire  
EvanAlmighty: Sure, I’ll wear my Ed Hardy shirt, a fedora and a big scarf  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: while your at it why not wear a linkin park cd on a chain wallet around your neck so she knows your a date rapest with the world’s smallest junk  
EvanAlmighty: I just responded! Okay, I think this is gonna work.  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: best case senario i hide up in the astroturf bushes an tell you what to say, itll be hilarious  
EvanAlmighty: What’s the worst case scenario?  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: we have to watch her play soccer  
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

TOPICS#MLB
TAGSABBY WAMBACHALEX MORGANBaseballEVAN LONGORIAfirst pitchHOPE SOLOKYLE FARNSWORTHSOCCERTAMPA BAY RAYSTHE DUGOUTUS WOMENS NATIONAL SOCCER TEAM

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