Worst: So We’re Really Going To Recap This For Four Minutes
Pre-Raw video packages are usually caught somewhere between a Best and a Worst. Sometimes we get something special, like Placebo’s “Running Up That Hill” to promote the Shawn Michaels/Undertaker rematch or Undertaker’s unborn child never knowing his father because Brock Lesnar murdered him in terrifying Latin, but most of the time it’s a loud, color-shaded reiteration of stuff we wished we could’ve fast-forwarded through last week. Nondescript crowd noise with someone speaking over it in a slight echo has become my brain’s signal for “okay, Raw is on”, and this week’s took that so far and so thoroughly that my brain ended up watching like four episodes at once.
Four minutes is how long this video package was. The first four minutes of the show. It took four minutes to explain what’s been going on with Triple H, CM Punk and Kevin Nash — it had to explain how Nash got there, how somebody sent somebody a text about beating up somebody, how everyone is extremely upset about what everyone else says about them and how Punk answered a challenge to demonstrate his bravery by putting on a leather jacket and water-skiing up a ramp to clear a shark in Los Angeles. By the time it ended I felt like I’d just watched them talk again, and when “Cult of Personality” hit and Punk squatted to spout the same balls purse rhetoric he’s been reiterating for a month I realized we hadn’t even started. Nash wandered out, Triple H wandered out, and the segment went on for 17 minutes (including video package) to build to one (1) punch and one (1) firing that could’ve just as easily happened last week when H told Nash to go and he said he wouldn’t because Johnny Ace had hired him.
I think my ability to come up with something new to say about these things is directly proportional to how interesting they’ve been. It has taken them four weeks to do one shove and one punch. I’m guessing with a week to go before Night of Champions they’ll pull off something awesome, like that money segment with Shawn Michaels that finally made H vs. Taker at Wrestlemania seem like a huge deal after a month of pensive staring.
Best: I Have Also Seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2
CM Punk: “You have more excuses than you have nicknames, isn’t that right Big Daddy Cool Diesellllllll? Or Vinnie Vegas! Bearded giraffe. I could call you Oz, maybe Super Shredder, I don’t think a lot of people are gonna get that one!”
It’s official. I feel like CM Punk has patronized me for the first time ever. The only thing that would’ve made it worse would’ve been a “heh”, or maybe Punk using real names to show how smart he is about wrestling, like wrestling news sites that say “PHILLIP JACK BROOKS” is their wrestler of the week. It feels weird and bad to live in a world where somebody can mention the Ninja Turtles on a pop culture show like Raw and have to assume that nobody watching will understand. Honestly, I’m going to guess that more people know Kevin Nash was in Ninja Turtles 2 than know about Oz. If you want to go obscure with your Secret of the Ooze references you can’t say “Ninja Rap” and stand there waiting for a response, you have to reference how Ernie “Keno” Reyes Jr. was in Surf Ninjas, or even better, “Sidekicks”. The show, not the Jonathan Brandis movie. Or you can just reference that scene where Shredder holds out the ooze and Keno bursts through the door to kick it out of his hands, but the door is all the way on the other side of the club so Keno’s gotta sprint across the dance floor and Shredder just has to stand there holding out the ooze like a moron. Or how the police just left Shredder’s body in the garbage. Hold on, I need to write The Best And Worst Of Ninja Turtles 2.
I gave this a worst because of how much I like the Ninja Turtles, but damn, “bearded giraffe” came across as the most awful Internet and/or babyface Chris Jericho thing of all time. All he needed was a Titan-tron video full of photoshops.
Worst: The End Of Text Gate
Kevin Nash snuck into Triple H’s office to send himself a text, instead of just saying he got a text.
oh f**k you.
Worst: I Got A Little Emotional! I Put My Hands On Ya! I Thought Friends Could Do That!
If you didn’t LOL when Kevin Nash busted out I THOUGHT WE WAS FRIENDS!, you aren’t mine. Holy sh**, I’ve been trying to justify Nash’s role in all of this since he showed up and shat in my cereal at Summerslam, but good god damn is he not the most embarrassing human being in the world right now. It’s starting to get sad. Listen to him shout about how he was “trying to make WWE cool again”. How were you doing that, by mentioning texting? By starting “Twitter wars”? John Cena does those things. Is John Cena cool? I am a good enough writer to explain John Cena as a lot of things, but God and inspiration have not created a Muse powerful enough for me to say John Cena is cool. Nobody in pro wrestling is cool.
That’s the one thing nobody can seem to accept, and why Stone Cold Steve Austin riding around on a four-wheeler with a pennant on it or a Planet of the Apes-themed pie-fight have always made their protagonists look like disconnected assholes. Pro wrestling is awesomely UN-cool, which is why the least cool people around (a balding orange guy in yellow underpants who used to be fat, for example) become the most popular. The Rock didn’t get popular being a handsome muscular movie star, he got popular when he wore shirts with gold lamé lions on them, had pineapple hair and made “poontang pie” references to a fat guy in a nightshirt with a sock on his hand. Stone Cold Steve Austin wasn’t cool, he was a violent redneck in jean shorts who couldn’t follow rules and gave a voice to the restless populace his show attracted. Ric Flair was cool, but the people we cheered on to defeat him included a heavyset plumber’s son with a speech impediment and a white guy with a flat-top and USA face paint. I can literally provide examples for the rest of my life.
Best: Nelson Muntz, And Insider References We Enjoy
The two best things to happen in last night’s opening half hour salvo were:
1. CM Punk pointing at Kevin Nash and doing the Simpsons “HAW HAW” laugh
2. CM Punk wishing a fired Kevin Nash the best in his future endeavors
Both of those things happened off-mic. I’m going to be assumptive enough to guess those were Punk’s only two contributions to his ten minutes of Oz Calling, because I want the guy I like to be good at things.