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Derek Holland Needs A New Mustache

By / 10.24.11

On Saturday night, Albert Pujols gave us perhaps the greatest individual game performance in World Series history. Three home runs, 6 RBI, and a record 14 total bases – completely mind-blowing, but also completely expected from him. That’s why El Hombre is hardly the story today after Derek Holland’s magnificent pitching performance for the Texas Rangers last night. Holland went 8.1 inning, allowing just 2 hits (both to Lance Berkman) while fanning 7. Most impressively, he silenced Pujols, who was 0-for-4 at the plate. Holland’s effort was truly a postseason pitching masterpiece.
So what’s up with the creepy mustache?
It’s all I could think every time Holland was pitching last night. It’s like my grandfather gave him a gorilla mask, with sad little hairs speckled here and there, not really making much of a formation. As a man who is incapable of growing facial hair, I look up to these professional athletes to set a standard with their mustaches and beards. For instance, I can’t stand those Taco Bell ads with Brian Wilson shouting, “Black Ops!” but I sure respect the man’s beard. Hoffman really let us down with this prepubescent flavor savor.
Thankfully, I’m a St. Louis Cardinals fan and we are widely regarded as the most intelligent and classiest facial hair aficionados in baseball. That’s why I took some time to put together this list of suggestions for Holland so that he can combine his commanding pitching with a commanding lady tickler.

First, let’s take a look at Holland’s pushbroom, as showcased in last night’s Game 4. There’s barely anything there. If he’s just now growing it in, he picked a terrible time, because every woman who is going to want to sleep with him for his success was watching him last night, wondering, “Is that mustache the only thing he has that reminds me of a 14-year old?”
Just creepy, man. Like his fridge is full of dead squirrels.
Here’s the basic look, perhaps better known as the “porn ‘stache.” But if you’re going with this style, you might as well just clean it up a little and do it right…
Smooth. Sophisticated. Timeless. Selleck. But maybe you’re a little more rugged. You can have the best of sophistication and grit…
You’re a pitcher in Texas, defending your home field. Is there a better possible look that doesn’t involve wearing spurs and giant belt buckle? Maybe you’re looking for something a little classier…
This look says, “I’m a well-to-do socialite and artist, but I’m also possibly insane and/or high.” This isn’t necessarily a great look for an athlete, so why don’t we go with a more powerful style…
Made famous recently by Michael Jordan in his Hanes ads, this look implies stardom and respect. Hold on, my carrier pigeon, LaMont, has returned with a message for me… Ohhhhhhh, Hitler. Maybe we need more of a baseball style…
Classic. Revered. Universally recognized as iconic. But then, that’s why nobody else can use it. At least not for more than the purpose of a tribute. How about something a little more dominating…
The only problem with this style is that you’ll probably end up rubbing your daughter’s butt in public. You know, we should try something a little crazier…
A longstanding, popular look at the World Beard and Mustache Championships, this style was also recently displayed by Mel Gibson. This won’t go well when Holland starts attacking Ian Kinsler. Let’s dial the crazy back just a tad…
Yeah, there’s a smooth and sophisticated style I can appreciate. It’s part pirate, part Star Trek villain. But like I mentioned before, this is Texas, so Holland should go with something a little more appropriate for the region…
Perfect!


TOPICS#MLB
TAGS2011 WORLD SERIESALBERT PUJOLSBaseballDEREK HOLLANDmustachesST LOUIS CARDINALSTEXAS RANGERSWORLD SERIES

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