Well, it’s official. After two months of speculation and rumors that were amplified by one of the greatest regular season chokes in Major League Baseball history, Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein has been offered and accepted a job with the Chicago Cubs. According to ESPN, the two sides have come to terms on a 5-year deal worth $20 million for Epstein to work for the Cubs in a greater capacity than GM. And thus the city of Chicago just had the world’s largest collective orgasm.
Epstein had a year left on his contract with Boston, which meant that some sort of compensation would have to be provided by the Cubs. Twenty bucks says they first offered up Carlos Zambrano.
According to sources, Major League Baseball expressed great concern over the compensation package because they do not want this deal to affect how other teams compete in the market for front-office personnel.
A source with knowledge of the talks told ESPN’s Karl Ravech Tuesday that the compensation would involve prospects and/or cash, but no major league players would be part of the deal, following traditional precedent.
Of course there has also been a great deal of chatter about whether or not newly-unemployed Terry Francona would be Epstein’s choice as manager in Chicago. That must be super awkward for current manager Mike Quade, seeing as he’s still employed. But as a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I am often regarded as more intelligent and effectively managerial than most baseball fans so I thought I’d offer up a little advice for Epstein on how to fix the Cubbies.
1) Give Zambrano to Ozzie Guillen and the Florida Marlins for whatever. As much as I’ll miss Big Z’s meltdowns in the NL Central, I’m trying to be impartial and compassionate.
2) Fire Quade. Sucks for him, but it needs to be done. The fans are getting a huge boost of enthusiasm out of Epstein’s arrival, so let’s give them another boost…
3) Do what Jim Hendry never had the balls to do and hire Ryne Sandberg as manager.
4) Sign Prince Fielder. Albert Pujols isn’t leaving St. Louis and he already looks like his legs are on the wrong side of 30. Sign the energetic alternative and get an instant fan favorite.
Sure, these suggestions might be a little obvious, but that’s because my genius is universal. Best of luck to Epstein in his new digs, because God knows if he wins a World Series in Chicago after breaking the curse in Boston, he’s going to be neck deep in Kate Upton-level poon.