Worst: John Cena Is Still Not Upset
You’d think getting emasculated in front of Mansquick Swear Garden and Rocked Bottom by your blood rival would get you pissed off, and you’d show up on the next night’s Raw looking to defend your manhood with some combination of punching and cursing, right? Nope, here’s John Cena reacting to beating beaten up for sport by saying how great The Rock is for doing and and explaining how excited we should be for Wrestlemania and literally nothing else. I’ve been writing this column here and at AOL FanHouse for over a year now, and I’ve always worked extra hard to justify the what and why of John Cena, because I think he’s a cool guy doing a lot of great things for people, has an underrated history of match quality and is the only guy left selling tickets. But damn, it’s like everything from June onward has been an attempt to make me say “f**k it John, you’re on your own” and buy a Team Bring It shirt.
I don’t understand his motivations anymore. At first he had the legitimate grip of “I’m here every week, Rock isn’t” and “just because I wear a red shirt doesn’t make me a gay six-year old”. But then he put on a black shirt, traded in his decade-old jorts for some camo shorts (just like the ones Rock wears as Roadblock in G.I. Joe 2: Major Bludd Rising) and asked the Rock to be his tag team partner because he’s “fantastic”. Rock beats him up, Cena justifies it and takes it out on Miz and R-Truth. And you know, it’s exactly the same thing he did with CM Punk over the summer. He got this weird man-crush on Punk and started telling people how great Punk was even when Punk would beat the dogsh*t out of him, then take it out on Alberto Del Rio for no reason. Cena is an abused girlfriend and I hate it, because he’s beautiful and should learn to love himself and leave that asshole.
Worst: John Cena, Master Manipulator
John Cena and The Rock have the verbal sparring ability of
so I know there’s no way one sentence amounting to “he doesn’t like you” could make tag team partners who have clearly stated before that they don’t like each other turn against one another. I don’t get it. Openly just saying that nobody cares about them or sees them as a threat seemed especially harsh, but again, John’s mad at the Rock and taking it out on people he doesn’t want to love him.
Best, Kind Of: At Least He’s Doing Something Now
… And that whole thing leads to Awesome Truth breaking up. R-Truth gets in some quality YOU CALLIN ME STUPID I AINT STUPID time before punching Miz, and Miz apologizes long enough to lure him up the ramp and Skullcrushingly Finalize him on the steel. This is awful, and my first thought is obviously “why can’t we have nice things”, but there are a few upsides with the biggest being that this officially gets Miz and R-Truth out of that post-handcuffs rut they’ve been in as Jorts To Asses’ faceless opponents, and Miz usually has an upswing whenever he breaks up with a partner (making John Morrison the Jannetty, breaking up ShowMiz and winning the WWE Championship). The second biggest upside is that we get Miz’s music back.
The biggest downside (and it’s a big one) is that Alex Riley is standing like two feet to the left of the camera, wringing his hands and smirking about how hard he’s going to Sternness Dust Alpha Miz or whatever when he gets the chance. Truth will probably go back to slumming it with John Morrison, being out of work or worse, being NWA Heavyweight Champion.
Worst: Real Life Explanations For Stuff On TV
… And THAT leads us to one of those moments where we discover why the things we don’t want to happen sometimes happen.
In accordance with the Talent Wellness Program, WWE has suspended Ron Killings (R-Truth) for 30 days effective immediately for his first violation of the company’s policy.
A strict adherence to the company’s wellness policy is gon’ get got. Either that, or Evan Bourne just found a new tag team partner.
I want more like this!
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