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Dikembe Mutombo: Gold Smuggler

By / 01.16.12

"Yours for $5000. Priced to move."


Okay. This is the best. And by “the best,” I mean “kind of the worst except for the sheer ridiculousness of that headline.” The Houston Chronicle published an in-depth report on Sunday chronicling an alleged scheme to smuggle gold from Africa to America that involved former NBA All-Star Dikembe Mutombo.

Dikembe Mutombo represented that the gold belonged to him and “his people,” said St. Mary, whose work as a trader in rough diamonds has taken him to dangerous places with sketchy characters. Asked why the transaction would take place in Kenya, Mutombo said there was “too much shady stuff in Kinshasa” — Congo’s capital — and that Nairobi was closer to his village, St. Mary said. Mutombo was to supply both product and paperwork, and Lawal was to provide funds for the purchase and to cover expenses.

St. Mary was to evaluate the gold and find buyers.

“He had an answer for everything,” St. Mary said of Mutombo as they went through the details of the proposed deal.

At various points over the next two months, St. Mary thought the whole thing smelled fishy. [Houston Chronicle]

The whole thing is honestly a little confusing. Apparently Mutombo claimed the gold was his while setting up the deal, but then he started demanding a huge upfront fee. And later some guy had to pay $30 million when the deal went south because an African general was holding his people and plane hostage. I don’t know. The most important takeaway of the story is this: this needs to be turned into a movie. Like, A LOT. I feel like Dikembe Mutombo: Gold Smuggler could be a great film if we got the right director attached. For example, me. I want to direct this movie. And write it. I’ll film the whole thing in the jungle, where I will go mad with power and exceed my budget by $50 million. When I eventually turn in my final cut, it will be seven hours long and inexplicably include an extended sequence involving Rafer Alston playing streetball with African warlords. It will be like Blood Diamond meets Above the Rim, with a splash of Apocalypse Now.

I await your offer, Hollywood.

Via SB Nation


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