The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/30/12 Is VEGAN! It Doesn’t Even Eat MEAT!

By: 01.31.12  •  211 Comments

Worst: And Now The Women Are Wrestling, For No Raisin!

Raise your hand if you enjoyed Eve Torres wrestling Beth Phoenix on Raw. Now raise your hand if you enjoyed it for more than 30 seconds.

My first thought is “where the f**k was Kharma, they should’ve finally been able to wipe these matches off their dry erase board and get back to the story”, but my second thought was “I guess Beth Phoenix has to win some matches so people will remember she’s a wrestler with a thing when Kharma challenges her”. Then I thought about how Kharma said she was gonna murder the Bella Twins when she got back, and they were nowhere to be found. So my fourth thought was, “heh”.

Best: Three Words To Describe Eve Torres Collapsing In Helpless Terror Anytime Anything Happens

1. Smart

2. Sexy

3. Powerful

Eve’s job on the show now is to either win or lose a short match, then completely forget it happened in favor of complete and total emotional collapse. Somebody could hold up an 8 x 10 of Kane at this point and she’d pop her urinary tract. She should probably be ashamed of how she makes women look in the biggest role for women currently provided on WWE television, but I guess it’s no more insulting or worse for people than what they usually do.

With all these people getting raped and murdered and glovemouthed, Beth Phoenix should probably complain to her boss again about those unsafe working conditions.

Worst: John Cena Is Upset, Black, Happy, Lifting 800 Pound Steps

What’s funnier?

a) John Cena suddenly being able to throw around those steps it was so hard for him to pick up a couple of weeks ago

b) John Cena emoting “embracing the hate” with his face by pretending he’s a Tim & Eric Awesome Show character

c) John Cena emoting “embracing the hate” with his voice by yelling WE GONNA HAVE A PATHY UP IN HEEYA~! in his best urban preacher voice

d) Kane scampering away like a coward, muttering “wait sh*t hold on embrace slightly less hate”

If you picked “none of those things, Jesus” you are correct. Much in the way that Eve watching Zack Ryder get tombstoned did more in a moment than three weeks of horror movie cliches and backbreaking, a little blood and choking would get across “Cena has gone over the deep end” more than him having fun and being cheered.

Best: Eve As Miss Elizabeth Might Actually Make This Work

If the Kane/Zack Ryder/Eve/John Cena storyline ends with Cena falling in love with Eve and having that weird Hogan/Elizabeth “these are complex grown-up emotions and I probably shouldn’t be watching this” thing the MegaPowers did, yeah, that’ll be a good ending.

I feel like Cena could really benefit from having a valet who is essentially John Cena With A Vagina: she likes to work out, she hears you cheering for her when you aren’t, she’s got a grand total of four moves and she’s done a bad job of appropriating black culture. She wears the same terrible clothes every week. She’s got a strong jaw? I feel like I could write these forever.

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