Let’s play a game. Pretend that you were once an inexplicably famous TV star, despite never displaying a single actual talent, and your only contribution to society was an amateur porn tape. You dated professional athletes and made your relationships public news by leaking sordid details to the tabloids, and you eventually decided to marry a mouth-breathing backup forward at the height of your popularity. But then the empire began to crumble when word leaked out that you profited $17 million on that wedding, and the public became enraged when that marriage ended after 72 days.
This game is called “Common Sense Damage Control” and I’m obviously talking about Kim Kardashian, who has possibly put on the worst charade in the history of public perception. After her divorce from New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, Kardashian used charity work and sharp video editing skills to try and salvage her image by making Humphries look like the bad guy, but none of her efforts really worked. So let’s put ourselves in her shoes.
If the whole world was screaming for your demise because you just received a windfall from an allegedly fake wedding during one of the worst economic periods in American history, would you:
A) Call Oprah and Ellen and beg for them to have you on their shows so you can be open and honest and try to redeem yourself through appealing to the emotions of your angered fans.
B) Take some time off, drop out of the public eye and let people forget about you for a year or so.
C) Air your reality show’s season finale, in which you meet with fake telepathic medium John Edwards, who pretends to channel your dead father, and then sob about how that is your reason for wanting to get a divorce.
Oh you f*cking know it was C. Seriously, if you watch “Kourtney and Kim Take New York”, please email me your address so I can come to your house and throw a brick through your TV.