So Many Bests: The John Cena/Eve Torres/Zack Ryder/Kane Love Rectangle
I feel like I’ve got a screencap and five paragraphs about everything that happened from the Josh Mathews interview with Cena on, so I’m gonna try to get through this without pissing myself with laughter.
Worst: Uh, Now?
Josh Mathews pulled Cena away from his stringent Eve Finding mission to chat about Twitter, the Rock, embracing hate, you know, whatever, but it was interrupted by SCREAMING~ from offscreen. The camera cuts over to Chekov’s Ambulance, where Eve Torres is calmly walking in and taking a seat and Kane is just kinda chillin’, going over some sh*t Ron Paul said about Hate and someone behind the camera in a headset and a rolled-up piece of paper with FIRE RAPE written across it goes PFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT and starts waving his arms and Kane goes “oh, sorry, maniacal laugh maniacal laugh” and Eve starts screaming again.
At no point did Eve consider
1. Standing up and leaving calmly
2. Exiting through the driver or passenger door, where Kane was not standing
3. Standing up for herself, even once (smart, sexy, powerful)
4. Getting in the driver’s seat and driving away in the ambulance, because what, you think Kane is carrying around a set of keys in his flame pants?
Best: John Cena Is Rising Above Not Saving You
Cena runs up and battles the evil Kane (who was just kinda moseying around) by shoving him into the side of the ambulance and then throwing him through some things. “Throwing you through some things” is how Cena deals with anger, btw.
Anyway, Cena can’t figure out how to open ambulance doors and Kane is able to recover, briefly incapacitating Cena so he can F**KING WADDLE OVER TO THE DRIVER’S SEAT and drive the ambulance to either a hospital or some vertical wall of fire. He’s unsuccessful, however, because:
Best: The Eve Torres Leap Of Faith
Eve, who cannot normally open doors or navigate holes between ring ropes, summons Freaky Retard Strength and bursts through the doors to dive from the completely still ambulance. I guess stepping down calmly would’ve hurt the moment. Kane (who obviously did not check his rear view mirror before driving) drives away in the ambulance.
I like to imagine one of two things here
1. Kane drove out to the parking lot area, turned around and was all WHERE TO, EVE and Eve was gone, so he spent a few minutes with his head down on the steering wheel before backing it back in.
2. Kane drove all the way to the hospital without looking in the back, doing those big exaggerated “driving” motions bad actors do to show that they’re “driving”, and he gets to the hospital (in Hell, I guess?) and Eve is nowhere to be found. So Kane quickly kidnaps a hospital receptionist, tosses her into the back of the ambulance and drives all the way back.
Worst: OM NOM NOM
Be careful, John, you don’t know where that mouth has been. Make sure you don’t take any wellness tests in the next few days.
Best: Annnnnd Slow Pan To The Cripple…
It was the obvious thing to do and Ryder really had no reason to be there (“hey broskis I heard someone screaming and driving an ambulance outside the door so I wheeled over and WHA WHA WHAAAAAAT”), but that slow-ass pan over to reveal Ryder with that look on his face is easily the best WWE production direction since Vince McMahon Rose From His Gwave at Wrestlemania 19.
The only Worst comes from the missed opportunity for the greatest, most melodramatic ARE YOU SERIOUS, BRO of all time. The one time Ryder’s catchphrase means something and he doesn’t say a word.
Best: Oh This Is Nowhere Near The End
oh god, wait until you see what happens on the next page