Best: Randy Orton’s Terrible Interviews On PROMO ISLAND
“Randy, my first question … where the f**k are your pants?”
This segment gets a best for the return of the Mene Gene Okerlund Memorial Stage Platform for interviews. If anybody’s reading this, keep doing interviews here. That thing where a guy paces around in the ring having to constantly address all four sides of the arena is old and busted. “Stationary” is the new hotness. While we’re at it, add in custom logo backgrounds for those picture-in-picture spoken word things you sometime use, and teach Kaitlyn how to be a convincing Sherri Martel for Daniel Bryan’s inevitable descent into Macho Madness.
The segment gets a secondary best for Randy Orton’s lackadaisical book report style of interview response. No matter what question you ask him, he responds by sharing basic information.
Josh: “What are your thoughts on your upcoming match at Wrestlemania?”
Orton: “Josh, I am not Kane. I’m not the Big Red Machine. I’m not even the Big Red Monster. His pants are black and red. My name is Randy Orton. I wear a white shirt. I also have many nicknames. In conclusion, Kane and Randy Orton can be compared and contrasted.”
One of these days I want him to respond with “Webster’s Dictionary defines Randy Orton as …”
Best: Swaggler On Team Johnny
This is a good call. If they can’t be a dynastic tag team, they can be the mid-card heels a guy goes to when he needs to stock up a team with high quality mid-card heels. I like that Swagger is developing more of a personality, and that his hair keeps getting more and more conservative. I can’t wait for him to show up at Wrestlemania with a high and tight.
Ideally John Laurinaitis tells Miz to go Fresh Meat f**k himself and fills out his squad with Alberto Del Rio and Christian. Also ideally, Teddy Long fills out his team with Whisper Michaels and a cardboard cutout of The Rock and loses almost instantaneously.
Worst: So How About Those Tag Team Titles
A good-ish tag team match on Raw sans Puerto Ricans means that once again, the WWE Tag Team Championships are the least important thing to WWE. They’re gonna find a spot on the show for Shaq before they find one for the tag champs. That’s not even a joke.
I’m not in love with Primo and
Hunico Camacho Carlito? Epico as tag champs and I don’t trust them to be able to constructively advance anything deeper than a racist dance contest, but they’ve been made tag champs, so Evan Bourne’s drug f**k-ups be damned, let’s get them and the division on the show. Throw them into one of those Wrestlemania 2000 things were 200 teams compete in a Fatal 200-Way that lasts six minutes, I don’t care, I just don’t want them losing to The Great Khali by himself in some bullsh*t DVD exclusive dark match.
Also, come on, your Wrestlemania is in Miami. You can’t find a spot for the five Latino guys on your roster?
Where’s Shane Douglas when you need him?
I mentioned this earlier, but Teddy Long is the worst. His “girlfriend” gets into a catfight sans porno music with Vickie Guerrero based on her arbitrary, foreign understanding of Being A Star, and eventually Teddy smacks John Laurinaitis in the face and flees. Teddy, the guy with the domineering mail-order girlfriend who is also his employee throws a suckerpunch and bails, and HE’S the one we should want as permanent General Manager?
I’ll only be happy with this ending one of two ways:
1. Teddy Long and John Laurinaitis being the final members of their teams, leading to a finisher rush where Teddy breaks out something ridiculous like a Cutthroat Driver on Dolph Ziggler, but before he can make the pin Big Johnny slides in, drops him with an Ace Crusher and wins the match. John Laurinaitis is made King Of WWE and Teddy Long is never seen again, but you’re left with this weird, awesome memory of him Cutthroat Drivering a dude.
2. Vince McMahon powerwalks out and immediate storyline dictates that he has executive power, so he tells them both they’re fired and appoints a new General Manager entirely. That General Manager remains anonymous for a while, but is ultimately revealed to be Shane Douglas. YOUR COMPANY JUST GOT IT’S ASS FRANCHISEDDDDD
Okay, one of one ways.
Worst: And Now, Extensive Footage Of Triple H Squashing Dolph Ziggler
Hey guys, what’s the last thing you want to see on Raw?
Did you answer “Triple H beating up Dolph Ziggler so absolutely that he could hold his finisher for like a minute before deciding to switch it up and win with somebody else’s move that has nothing to do with Dolph Ziggler”?
He should’ve just spray-painted some balls on Dolph’s stomach, written MY BALLS under them and drawn a big arrow going up to Dolph’s mouth. F**k you, this highlight.