Worst: Daniel Bryan As Special Guest Referee Looks Like An Actual Referee
Here’s a quick list of Daniel Bryan myths that’ve been disproven since their creation sometime around Bryan Danielson’s ROH title run:
1. He doesn’t know how to work WWE style.
2. His act won’t connect with WWE audiences.
3. He’s boring.
4. He’s too pale.
“The last two years”, “the last two years”, “the last two years” and “Sheamus” respectively. Anyway, the fifth myth is a little iffy:
5. He’s too little/doesn’t look like a wrestler.
And while you might say that United States and World Heavyweight Championship runs disprove that, it’s not a myth made easier to deny when you put him in referee clothes and make him stand between Sheamus and Mark Henry. For at least 30 seconds of the match I thought I was watching Bryce Remsburg.
Best: Literally Everything Else About Daniel Bryan
Daniel Bryan is the best. A guy on Reddit’s wrestling subforum said he was going to stop reading the column because I “got a boner for an independent wrestler”, and while that’s fair enough on its own, Daniel Bryan has been in WWE for three years now … so when can we stop saying he’s awesome because of the indies and start sincerely believing that he’s awesome because he’s Daniel Bryan?
Consider it solely on what we’re seeing from him in WWE: a small guy who happens to be a superb pro wrestler has taken a tiny amount of lucky success with a novelty briefcase and turned it into a great character who is as fun on the mic as he is in the ring. He’s antagonizing Sheamus, and he’s doing a good enough job that large portions of a WWE audience are booing the giant, carefully marketed smiling guy and chanting the catchphrase of the bad guy who has him in a submission hold. That’s great. And if you don’t think THAT’s great, watch that gif of him taking off his shirt and throwing it in the Great White’s dumb face until you get it.
WWE fan services were nice enough to give me two free tickets to the next two events in my area for that terrible palm tree view I had at WrestleMania, but if they truly want to apologize to me for that, they should have the 2 out of 3 falls match at Extreme Rules end in 36 seconds with me chanting YES~ in my living room.
Worst: Matt Striker Sure Is Adjusting Well To The Whole ‘Being Kidnapped For A Month’ Thing
Derrick Bateman narrated the intro for last week’s episode of NXT, and I’m starting to believe that the show doesn’t actually exist and we’re just seeing into Bateman’s thoughts. That’s why all of his NXT rookie rivals have disappeared from the show and been “signed” to Smackdown, it’s why he ended up being Romance Palz with Kaitlyn and why Johnny Curtis and Maxine are suddenly Team Rocket.
So if NXT doesn’t exist, it’s totally fine for Matt Striker to show up out of nowhere to interview Sheamus. I’m sure Scott Stanford was busy and couldn’t have done it, you know, no big d. For those of you who don’t watch NXT, Matt Striker just spent about a month being gagged and carried around from arena to arena by Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins in a weirdly-motivated attempt to get William Regal to stop paying attention to them. This almost led to a cane fight, and you’d think he’d still be f**ked up about it (Bateman said he smelled like a Saw movie). Maybe Striker is repressing it. Maybe he’s just Tom Hanks from Cast Away and had his Standing At A Literal Crossroads moment on like, Friday afternoon when nobody was taping. Who knows.
Bateman, if NXT is really your fever dream, I’m looking forward to the debut of Prince Juggalo on this week’s episode.
Worst: This Tag Team Situation Isn’t Getting Any Better
“The tag team division should be better” and “people with championships should be made to look good” are the “impeach the President!” of pro wrestling discussion. I could dig a hole in my front yard and make armpit farts toward it and accomplish more than I would explaining this again. Tag teams and the tag team championships are worthless, and we’d all be better off with it being thrown in the garbage and ignored like the cruiserweights if they aren’t gonna do anything about it.
I thought Primo and Epico being squashed singlehandedly by The Great Khali was as facepalm as it gets, but I failed to consider the tag team of Zack Ryder and Santino Marella, the Derek Richardson and Eric Christian Olsen of WWE. At least last week they were getting chopped in the head by a 9-foot tall guy. This week they were having their dropkicks no-sold by a 230 pound guy so he could bounce up like a f**king Boohbah and fingerjab them with his f**king pretend snake hand.
And you know what? At this point I’d be fine with the continued humiliation of the tag champs if Zack Ryder would come up with a third move.
Best: This Is Exactly What Happened With Lesnar And Angle At WrestleMania And Nothing Else
Here are the moves that happened during that match:
And then Lesnar left with a bunch of guys holding him up because he was so tired from delivering all those Fs-5. He never tried to go to the top rope once, what are you, stupid