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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/16/12: The Lonesome Grave Of John Cena

By 04.17.12

Worst: All The Stuff You’d Expect Me To Say About This Tag Team Champions Segment

In the interest of positivity, here’s everything awful about the tag team match that gave us a breather between Daniel Bryan and The Mighty Spit Hand:

1. The tag team champions looked like Benny Camer and his tag team partner Other Benny Camer against two big guys because WWE has never learned how to 1a) run a tag team division, 1b) make the guys who hold their championships look good, 1c) operate a minority tag team without having them eventually devolve into gangbangers who can’t win, 1d) present smaller guys as reasonable threats to larger ones without the smaller guys becoming unexpectedly popular.

2. The Big Show and The Great Khali were a tag team.

3. The Big Show didn’t even get into the ring, so it was just two-ish minutes of The Great Khali punch-chopping people.

4. Lawler and Cole made sure to mention how Rosa was saying the tag team champions aren’t on TV enough, and used that as the reason why the tag team champions are just whiny losers who don’t deserve to be on TV.

5. The tag team champions fleeing, then failing to flee.

6. Tandem chokeslams, which would be fine if you were 6a) winning the tag team championships from the tag team champions you just squashed or 6b) wrestling two Bennies Camer.

7. The Big Show and The Great Khali stuck around after the match to hip-hop dance.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that horrible bullsh*t off my chest, here are the good things:

1. AW!

2. These two gifs of Rosa Mendes.

Best: Rosa Mendes, Always Great In Gif Form

Best: Lord Tensai Beating John Cena And Not Really Having To Cheat That Much To Do It

lord-tensai-green-mistSo hey, breath of fresh air, nice to breathe you!

Prince Albert has the benefit of being a former WWE Intercontinental Champion, so as badly as some people would like to dismiss him with a wank, it’s easy to say “he’s Albert, but he got WAY BETTER” and buy him as a main event threat. I’m sure some of you are typing “meh, I still don’t buy him”, and that’s fine, but whether or not you buy him he’s pinning John Cena on Raw and that’s something f**king Wade Barrett and his glorious ass couldn’t do effectively with all the charisma in the world and a posse.

I like the story they’re telling with Cena. He’s never had a “losing streak” of any imaginable sort during the last decade, so having him get shaken by his loss to the Rock and be unable to hang with these impossible new guys and the big evil dude from his past is great. Cena’s still Cena, but he’s lost the ability to believe in his t-shirts, and without that he’s nothing. He’s Jumbo Tsuruta, and he’s getting that look on his face when he realizes mid-match that Misawa’s gonna take his spot.

This also gives legitimacy to Ten-say’s mid-card dominance, because for every jaded guy in the audience who goes ALBERT like we don’t know that’s Albert, there’s a little kid explaining how Lord Tensai is hard to beat because one time he pinned John Cena. That kind of sh*t matters to kids, at least in the short term. It matters to me, too, as long as six months from now he’s not losing to Randy Orton in five minutes on Smackdown and the most memorable thing in his video package is that time Cena made him lie under a moving dollie and dropped a bunch of prop chairs on him.

Best: ASIAN MIST, Or “Spit Hand, Now in Beautiful Technicolor”

john-cena-waterWhether you like Lord Tensai or you think he’s a Racist Albert, the better parts of your heart should be able to enjoy this gif of John Cena pouring a tiny bottle of water on his face because I guess he’s never flushed out his eyes and doesn’t know how a neck or water work.

I’m very happy to see the formal return of Green Mist to WWE programming. Tajiri, The Great Muta and The Great Kabuki have all made the mysterious Asian Mist an important cog in the machine “things from Japan in wrestling you don’t think are racist but think about it, we’re saying Japanese dudes have poisoned glands”. Seriously though, mist is great. It incapacitated Sting AND John Cena, it impregnated Yinling The Erotic Terrorist and it blinded poor Nidia and inadvertently gave her female empowerment. Asian mist can do anything.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and JKoebs

I feel like I’m the only person on the planet that’s Anti-Funkasurus.

Perfectly understandable, he’s the natural predator of Caveman Lawyers.

rock n rye

If Alberto Del Rio makes an appearance, does his car come out on the opposite side of the stage?

cyber Pilate

Brock Lesnar’s dumb ass sword tattoo will never stop being funny you guys. NEVER.


When Daniel Bryan comes out, will the crowd chant “Indubitably! Indubitably! Indubitably!” ?


Chekhov’s steel chair!!!


Fairly Legal: The new show starring Jerry Lawler’s mistresses.


Apparently John Cena has a dream.


Yeah it’s a different island but I’m pretty sure the Irish and the English have had a very long term friendship. Those two countries just love each other!

Fake Injury Guy

Shot of AJ smiling while watching Daniel Bryan on the monitor will be the lead photo for tomorrow’s “Best and Worst”. That’s my guess.


Momma status:

[ ] Not Called

[X ] Called

See you guys next week. And hopefully live in Austin next Monday and Wednesday!

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