(6) Pat Riley
I’d be wary of buying an Arby’s roast beef sandwich from this man, let alone a used car. And stop tapping your chin like that, you’re not a mafia don.
(5) Eddy Curry
As you toil over a set of meaningless PowerPoint slides for hours that your boss will look at for 15 seconds, only to rinse and repeat this process week after week for the next three decades, just remember that Heat player Eddy Curry, better known as the lost moon of Pluto, is making 1.3 million dollars this year. He played 83 minutes this season, total.
No, life’s not fair. I hope this isn’t news.
(4) Dwyane Wade
Pre-teaming up with Bron Bron, D-Wade was one of the NBA’s most beloved stars – charming and skilled, with a winner’s mentality and a full trophy case. Post-LeBron, he’s morphed into his bizarro self. He flops, he whines, he yells at his coach on the sideline. And, lest I forget, he’s also earned the reputation of a cheapshot artist, from dislocating Rajon Rondo’s elbow last year in the playoffs to breaking Kobe Bryant’s nose this year at the All-Star Game to tackling Darren Collison in this year’s playoffs.
You were supposed to change LeBron, D-Wade, not have him change you. For shame. If Charles Barkley has taken you out of his T-Mobile Fave 5, you deserve it.
My wife made me promise not to make any dinosaur jokes about Chris Bosh, “Because he can’t help that he looks like a reptile.” Okay, fair enough. He also does weird things like this during postgame interviews. Creeper. Alert.
(2) LeBron James – Part II
Yes, he’s the best basketball player on the planet. That can’t be disputed. And I personally don’t care if he has a clutch gene or not (he doesn’t) – he’ll never be Michael Jordan, and to his credit (and in a rare display of self-awareness), Bron Bron seems to recognize that.
But still – man up. The best are the best when it matters most, be it in basketball, business or posting snarky quips on Twitter. The truth is, even after a strong performance in this year’s Eastern Conference Finals, LeBron’s reputation as wilting in the big moment isn’t undeserved. His 2009 Cleveland team won 66 games and was much more cohesive than any of the Heat teams he’s played on, yet couldn’t punch through to a championship. He’s 0-2 in NBA Finals already, and it’ll take a Herculean effort on his part not to go 0-3 with a hobbled, tired Heat team against the favored Thunder. Color me skeptical, but I don’t think he’s up to the challenge.
(1) The Type of People that Root for the Heat and LeBron
This is a category of individuals separate and distinct from Miami Heat fans. They aren’t orange, they don’t wear baby seal pelts and moon boots, they don’t look like they’re auditioning to be an extra in a Pitbull video. They seem normal. But they’re not.
They’re hater-haters. They talk about LeBron’s MVP Awards and his PER rating and blah blah blah. They argue that no one should begrudge anyone else for leaving Cleveland for Miami. They are snide and only peripherally invested in anything and use terms like “post-ironic” and have never let an outcome of a sports game affect their mood, let alone their life.
These people should all be waterboarded.
For God. For Country. For All That is Human Decency. Go Thunder. Beat the Heat.
Matt Gallagher is Senior Fellow at the nonprofit Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America and the author of the war memoir Kaboom, published in 2010 by Da Capo Press. A former Army captain who served fifteen months in Iraq, you can follow him on Twitter at @MattGallagher83.