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The Worst And Worst Of WWE Raw 7/9/12: Do Not Read This Show Report

By / 07.10.12

Worst: Drew McIntyre Does Not Deserve This

Whether you like Drew McIntyre or not, there’s no f**king possible reason why a handsome, 6-foot-5, 250+ pound pro wrestler with 11 years of experience should get stuck on Funkasaurus duty. I hate being that “YOU’RE USING HIM WRONG” guy on the Internet, but this is what your Arthurs Rosenberg are for. Guys who have no business being in the ring with a real wrestler, so they get their asses kicked. The guy you just booked to lose to a fat dancing dinosaur in 30 seconds is a former Intercontinental and tag team champion. Although I guess that’s not saying much, because the guy you booked to lose to Sheamus held the World Heavyweight title for four months.

But yeah, this is all just stupid. That’s the theme for Raw. Not offensive, like it can be at its worst, just stupid. A string of badly written, badly executed, stupid decisions. Good on Drew McIntyre for getting a Raw paycheck, but Christ, Brodus Clay’s immobile headbutt is probably the worst move in wrestling right now. At least teach him to lean forward a little. Dude’s just standing still and expecting people to bump to his f**king aura.

I want so much better for Drew McIntyre. The fact that a few years ago he was Intercontinental Champion and ponytail deep in ECW General Manager Tiffany and now he’s JTG when they’ve run out of JTG makes me a little bit sadder about life.

Worst: John Cena Will Overcome The Odds Of Being A Participant In A Normal F**king Wrestling Match

Here’s a transcript of John Cena’s promo from last night:

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Read that and you’ll get the same information you got from Cena’s shouting. He’s FEELS THE ENERGY HERE TONIGHT! He’s gonna WALK INTO MONEY IN THE BANK! He’s gonna CLIMB THE LADDER and grab that TITLE SHOT! He’ll OVERCOME THE ODDS that were stacked against him when he signed on to be a part of a ladder match to keep Big Show from winning, but somehow that’s still about HIM overcoming HIS odds and ADDITIONAL BLAHS.

I am in no mood for your ADHD Divorce Sorrow bullshit tonight, John. Nobody stacked shit against you, stop yelling at me.

Worst: 16 Of The Show’s 25 Minutes Of Wrestling Were A John Cena Tag Match With A DQ Ending (And The DQ Made No Sense)

Remember six months ago when Kane was trying to get John Cena to embrace the hate, broke his friend’s back, threatened and tried to kidnap Cena’s Girl On The Side and at one point tried to literally drag him into Christianity’s interpretation of Hell and kill him with fire? Fast forward six months now and check out this clip of Cena holdin’ on to th’ tag rope, willin’ his lil’ buddy Kane to find the strength to leap and make the hot tag. Was Kane lighting a barbecue at a fake cookout a face turn, and if so, was it the worst goddamn face turn in history?

Ugh, so you know how sometimes a referee messes up a three count when whatever just happened was supposed to be the finish, so they either have to awkwardly redo something or do another three count and it totally kills the heat and makes things weird? You know how sometimes that happens with disqualifications as well, where the match is going great and all of a sudden a DQ happens off something stupid like “not breaking at 5″ or “punching too much” and erases anything good that’d happened before it? Somehow that all happened at once in this tag match, with Big Show getting disqualified for BREAKING UP A PIN and the bell ringing before he was even done doing it. Not to say the 1500th consecutive f**king Raw tag match was a five star affair or whatever, but 16 minutes of wrestling felt like f**king Dreamslam 2 compared to the rest of Raw and I was sick about losing it.

That’s how bad this show was. I was upset that they messed up the Randomly Thrown Together Main Eventers tag match.

How is that a disqualification, seriously? And to bring back the “WWE only knows how to hurt wrestlers after wrestling has ended” point, why couldn’t they have continued the match and called the DQ a F**KING MINUTE LATER when Show pulled out ladders and started hitting people? Why not give us a good reason for the DQ?

Worst: Yeahhh Beat Them Up As Slowly As Possible, Show

With the audience dead, Show was free to gingerly walk around the ring holding a ladder and walking into people (and doing an awful sandwich spot with Jericho that more or less outed those ladders as Dollar Tree quality at best) until JOHN could OVERCOME THE ODDS of being pulled out of the ring and thrown into a padded barricade and clear Show out of the ring, pointing up and SCREAMING AND POINTING AND SCREAMING AND ALSO POINTING like he’d just climbed out of f**king Hades.

I’m so sick of writing about this. I’m sorry. If the 999th episode of Raw (or the 999.99th, whatever they’re calling it) is this bad, I’m just going to post a bunch of matches I like and pretend they were on Raw. You can’t just pretend drama exists, WWE. If the guy’s screaming, he has to have a reason why. Your “do these poses for the video package” is showing.

Worst: The Rest Of The Sin Cara/Heath Slater Match

The best part of this match was the La Mistica sell (see page 2), but the second best part is the WWE Fan Nation video title:

Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater – World Heavyweight Championship

Yeah, right.

So yeah, right at the beginning of the match Heath Slater locks on a sleeper, and somehow it puts everybody watching asleep. I guess Jigglypuff was a “one man band”, too. The only other plus to this bland, mood-lit affair was it being over before Michael Cole could tell us about how Sin Cara was so popular in Mexico he had a comic book based on his life. Real life WWE announcing shouldn’t be like the video game announcing.

Let the video play and you can watch the Backlund part again. Guh. One more page.


Continue Reading 'The Worst And Worst Of WWE Raw 7/9/12: Do Not Read This Show Report' »
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TOPICSWWEWWE RAW
TAGSAJ LEEANDERSON SILVABEST AND WORST OF RAWBIG SHOWBOB BACKLUNDBRODUS CLAYCHAEL SONNENCHRIS JERICHOCM PUNKDaniel BryanDREW MCINTYREEVE TORRESFUNKASAURUSHEATH SLATERHORNSWOGGLEJACK SWAGGERJERRY LAWLERJohn CenaKANELORD TENSAIMICHAEL COLEPRO WRESTLINGSANTINO MARELLASHEAMUSSIN CARATOUTTYSON KIDDUFC 148worst episode everWWE MONEY IN THE BANK

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