Worst: This Is Why Everybody Hates John Cena
John Cena didn’t show up on Raw last week. Last night, he opened the show with one of the worst, least constructive promos you could imagine, acting like he’d been gone for 7 years and proving that if you don’t let John talk on every show in a row, his shitty ideas get dammed up, and eventually that dam explodes, and the raging waters of his 90s references and asinine observations destroy whatever villages were built in the valley of pro wrestling.
Daniel Bryan and Kane have been a crucial, entertaining part of the show over the last month. John Cena apparently watched them from home for the first time ever last week and thought the last thing they needed to get truly over was GOAT BOY JOKES. Did WWE fire Brian Gerwitz and hire Jim Breuer? Should I expect Damien Sandow to start cutting promos about how pot is awesome? Last week, Antonio Cesaro had a star-making moment when he shoot deadlifted 400-pound Brodus Clay and JUMPED with him to hit his finish on a live Raw and get a decisive win in under a minute. John Cena had never seen or heard of Antonio Cesaro before last Monday, but now he’s fixated on his HUGE NIPPLES~, because Antonio Cesaro really needed HEY FRENCHIE NICE NIPPLES signs on Raw to help sustain his career. John Cena took a look at the stars of tomorrow and said YOU’RE UGLY, YOU’RE UGLY, YOU’RE UGLY. Thank goodness you are hairless, featureless and bright white so nobody could make fun of how you look, John.
I don’t want to make this assumption, but did the classically-homophobic, gender-biased John Cena get forced into wearing a bunch of pink for breast cancer awareness and decide he should work it by acting like a hateful little girl? Because if you have a problem with Antonio Cesaro’s nipple aesthetics, that is your problem, dude.
Not to mention his weird, pointless AJ baiting. What was that about? I know Cena’s been going through a divorce and has lost his goddamn mind, so I don’t expect him to have a mature point of view about life and his co-workers, but the least he could do is not whip out his entitled fratboy come-ons on my wrestling program.
This should be AJ’s entire response:
Best: Ryback Is Over, Yo
First of all, a huge, head-shaking worst to “BIG HUNGRY” as Ryback’s new nickname. The guy’s name is RYBACK, he doesn’t need a qualifier. This is as bad as when you called Paul Wight “Big Nasty”. Do not let Jim Ross come up with nicknames for your guys. I’m assuming it was Jim Ross. Don’t let anyone who knows what college basketball is come up with nicknames for your guys.
Second of all, yeah, it’s sorta depressing to see a talented team like PERM get Ryback’d in lieu of Stansky and Rosenberg or whoever, especially when the tag team division is finally taking off, but I love watching Ryback Ryback people, and PERM are the perfect combination of “good at wrestling” and “not important to wrestling whatsoever” to look good taking the fall. They lost in a believable fashion, too. They held the advantage when they stayed focused and double-teamed him, but Epico got cocky, allowing Ryback to separate them and finish them off individually. That’s a way better story to tell than “Triple H saw Paul London and Brian Kendrick and decided they should both die for no reason”.
Also, “FEED ME MORE” as a chant to will Ryback to win is fantastic. Ryback gets distracted by pain and being punched, but then he remembers food, and the Hanna Barbera character inside of him goes FUH-FUH-FUH-FOOD?? and he flips out and kills everybody. Every single Raw should feature a segment where he tries to make a really tall sandwich.
Worst: Now I’m Gonna Get Nervous Every Time Ryback Tries To Pick Somebody Up
I can’t be the only one who went, “oh god, he’s going to f**k this up” in my head when Ryback tried to pick up Primo and Epico at the same time, right?
I mean, I know that he CAN do it, but after watching him struggle with Tensai’s dugong body last week I think I’m subconsciously afraid that he’s going to fail at the feats of strength that define him and ruin the good thing he’s got going. I’m not the type to nudge my friends and go HEY TRASHBOAT, CHECK OUT THIS BOTCH SPECIAL COMIN’ UP or whatever. I don’t want him to mess up, and now I’m genuinely concerned. Great. Thanks a lot, Tensai. You have done literally nothing to make me happy since you abandoned the Spit Hand.
Best: Jim Ross Being Adorable On Commentary
As bad as the R-Truth/Brodus Clay match was (and it was really, really bad) (although WWE Fan Nation gave it a video and skipped the John Cena show-opening promo, which says something), Jim Ross was DYNAMITE on commentary, and made me laugh with three different comments:
1. “Is Little Jimmy wearing a FANNYPACK?”
2. Deadpanning “I can’t see him, I gotta get my glasses”.
And my absolute favorite:
3. “My grandmother used to call me Little Jimmy.”
I’m paraphrasing, but MY HEART. The idea of a baby Jim Ross being called “little Jimmy” by his Okie grandmother is the most hilarious, heartwarming thing ever to me, and following last week’s Ricardo Rodriguez commentary adorableness I may have to institute a weekly award for the Person Speaking Through A Microphone On Raw Who Seems Most Like A Real Person.
Worst: Little Jimmy Goes Through More Changes Than Brodus Clay
I need to stop thinking that things are going to change Brodus Clay, or allow him to move forward, or keep him from pushing the same immense boulder up a hill only to watch it roll back down again. Brodus is a wrestler, but he barely wrestles. He stands still and lets dudes jump at him, and when he takes even a small amount of offense (from Damien Sandow, or Antonio Cesaro), he dies. He dances the same way. He’s supposed to be a great dancer (“LOOKATTIM GO!” – Michael Cole), but he just stands still and moves his hands like he’s Chevy Chase in the background of that Glee episode of ‘Community’. Cameron and Naomi are dancing their hearts out. Dolph Ziggler’s running at Brodus and jumping with all his might. Nothing changes. They could play ‘Somebody Call My Mama’ and film a cardboard cutout with the disco camera and accomplish the same thing.
R-Truth doing the Kid N’ Play dance by himself was pretty inspired. If Jimmy’s really going through Some Changes, maybe we can get a scene where Truth pulls off Dirty Dancing by himself.