Worst: Of course Anderson wants to fight now
Do you know how much it costs to fly to England right now? Not to mention the transport cost for a motorcycle? This is a very poorly managed group, and I doubt they have the adroit fiscal management skills to be able to afford sending all of them to the UK, plus their bikes, plus all of the extra baggage fees because leather is heavy and they wear a lot of it. And if you’re so scared of Kurt Angle now, why go through all of that trouble to fight him in a steel cage? Why not just wait a month and fight him when he gets back? It’s cool. You can steal his erotic friend fiction from his locker and read it to all of your biker buddies in the clubhouse for kicks. It’ll be like a slumber party, but one no one wants to go to.
Worst: You’re a bad boss, Mr. Hogan
I know Hulk Hogan is at home recovering from repeated blows to the head and body from a VERY REAL HAMMER, but I don’t think Kurt Angle is high enough in the chain of command to just make up stipulations. James Storm did it, so now anyone can? Your staff is running wild all over you, brother! Even Tazz thinks this is messed up. YOU ARE FORCING ME TO AGREE WITH TAZZ DUE TO YOUR POOR ADMINISTRATIVE PERFORMANCE.
If I don’t get a full five minute flashback segment of Hulk Hogan desperately trying to figure out his fax machine so he can officially put Kurt Angle in charge of booking as an explanation, I’m gonna be crazy mad you guys.
Worst: “HEY. HOOKERS. SHUT UP.”
No, YOU shut up, Mr. Anderson. I’m glad you’re not part of my favourite TNA moment anymore, because you’re a dick, and also obviously unappreciative of all the free handies from moderately attractive ladies you wouldn’t have gotten had you not joined up with the 32 Man Gang.
Best: Hey, that was unpleasant. How about some more Joseph Park?
He’s going to “put some hustle behind that muscle.” He made making a list and carefully weighing the pros and cons canon. He is moving on from Taeler Hendrix to the super cute Taryn Terrell and taking away my opportunity to fic it because it is HAPPENING. And Taryn Terrell and Taeler Hendrix had beef in OVW where Joseph Park just trained and I make zero promises that from now on this column won’t be 100% Joe Park fanfic because my head is spinning with possibilities.
Worst: This is not actually a 100% Joseph Park column, and now I have to write about the main event
Okay, so it wasn’t a terrible match. It’s got Christopher Daniels who is good enough that he can elevate even the laziest of Jeff Hardys to an entertaining match. That said, I’m still giving it a worst for a) context, and b) not being Joseph Park. But mostly the first one.
We know Jeff Hardy can’t travel to the UK, so what on earth are you doing having a one-episode plus special vignettes set up for a championship match if it’s going to mean nothing? Win or lose, you can’t continue the feud next week, because drugs. And forgive me, but Joseph Park isn’t involved, and I don’t exactly have the most confidence in your creative team to be able to pull something off that will help continue a feud upon your return. Having a fun, entertaining match to lead to an injury so all of the little kiddies with Jeff Hardy arm bands don’t know their favourite wrestler isn’t there because drugs can be done without a championship stipulation. It seemed pointless and trite, and takes away any of the excitement leading to these two facing off again. It’s frustrating, and title shots shouldn’t just be handed out like Knockouts…title…shots… The less important a chance at the winning the belt is, the less important it makes that belt.
Legitimate worst: That goddamn REAL AS ANYTHING hammer
The following conversation happened after Jeff Hardy was hit in the back of the knee with said hammer:
Me: BABE. HIT ME WITH A HAMMER.
Matthew: Uhh, no.
Me: COME ON! Hit me with a real hammer. Not too hard, but come on, it can’t hurt that bad.
Matthew: Uhh, no.
Me: Seriously, hit me with that hammer! It’s the back of my knee! It’ll be fine.
Your hammer looks so fake and shitty that I tried to get my boyfriend to hit me with a real hammer to prove just how fake and shitty it is. Thank Wrestling Jesus I have a boyfriend who loves me enough to keep me from making some really poor judgment calls in the name of this column.
I would have sold the crap out of that hammer shot, though.
Best: Joseph Park, take us home
Love you, Joe Park.