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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 3/21/13: Be Kind While We Rewind

By / 03.22.13

Best: Product Placement

Unfortunately, yet again what I hope to show you isn’t available, so let’s pretend you just sat through Kenny King’s confident and tough reaction to the X-Division changes. He’s not mad, he’s fired up. It doesn’t matter how many people he wrestles, no one is going to beat him for that belt. And now that he’s got two dudes coming at him, he’s going to need a little extra energy. 5 hr. Energy to be precise!

Hee. I love cheesy product placement like this. In fact, until ACH got there, the only reason I would consistently watch non-Bravado Brothers episodes of ROH TV was because of the awful (read: AWESOMELY ABSURD) Western New York commercials. I mean, we all know that if you’re hurt in a car, you call William Mattar. Hurt on the job? Call Cellino & Barnes. And if for some reason you weren’t convinced by the first two, you call whatever that one with the talking dog is. Aside from a slew of personal injury lawyer commercials, ROH roster members had local spots that run during breaks. I may not enjoy his matches, but I love Michael Elgin’s recycling depot commercial. Jay Lethal in a commercial for a traditional family-style Italian restaurant? You better believe I’ve got that sh-t DVRed. In a perfect world they would scrap Bellator and just go full-on Josie & the Pussycats, with Target-themed locker rooms and McDonald’s showers. Kenny King is the new Adidas, and I would never doubt his commitment commitment.

Best: Kenny King

WOW. THAT GUY IS SO ENERGETIC. I BET HE COULD KEEP THAT UP FOR AT LEAST FIVE HOURS.

Best: Hulk Hogan and Sting, take two

Like last week, Sting approaches Hogan for another shot at Bully Ray. Of course some of the best stuff isn’t up on YouTube, and I do so hate transcribing because so much is lost in the delivery, but guys. Guys.

“You know Sting, I’m glad that you’re fine. That I’m running the company. That makes me feel great. But you’re right. Things haven’t changed from last week, or a couple years ago, or even ten years ago. So I suggest you do what you do best. When things get heavy, why don’t you go sit in the rafters for a couple of years and not say anything. Why don’t you go hide in the shadows for a couple more years, and stay to yourself, because whenever you’re around, you cause problems. Now get out.”

Oof. Yes please.

Best: Seriously video guy. Seriously.

TNA needs to slice some money off of one of the bloated contracts they’ve got floating around and give whoever does their video packages a raise. For weeks I’ve lamented the goings on in the Knockouts division. Knowing this would lead to Taryn Terrell vs. Gail Kim has been like watching a glass of water fall off of the counter. You see it happening, and all of a sudden it’s like it’s in slow motion. You try desperately to make it in time to catch it, but you can’t stop it from falling. In the end, all you’ve got is one big mess.

The video package prior to Brooke’s decision, and maybe some leftover good will from the Bully Ray vignettes, actually makes me care a little. It gives Velvet Sky more than one dimension. It gives Taryn Terrell a personality. It makes Gail Kim look craaaazy. It accomplishes everything the past two months should have but didn’t. Can you watch the video online? No. Will you have to take my word for it if you missed it? That would be cool. Will it make this feud any better? Not unless we can just watch this video each week.

Worst: Brooke Hogan

You really are the worst, aren’t you.


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