The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 4/11/13: I Call It A Kaiser Blade

By: 04.12.13

Worst, but secret hilarious best: Taryn Terrell, Full Meta Mayhem

When Todd Keneley first referred to her as a “hot mess” during the “Knockouts pretend to erotically stretch for your pleasure” preview, I was dead sure that I misheard him. There’s no way someone other than Tazz gets to make openly shady comments about someone on the roster, right? There’s no way he’d be insulting the newest member of the Knockouts, whose biggest personality trait is “pretty girl with Kelly Kelly’s Hooters tights who yells sometimes,” right?

Oh. Oh girl, no.

There are 54 Urban Dictionary definitions for “Hot Mess,” and really, none of them are anything I would want to be used to describe me. To wit:

– when someone’s physical appearance is so bad it offends the viewer

– when a problem or situation is past the point of fixing

– a wide range of attractive, beautiful women that usually [have] unlikeable characteristic such as mental or emotional issues and bad habits, and that she might end up putting her friends or partner in an uncomfortable predicament. She is therefore treated as a person who nobody wants to take seriously.

– a person that looks just pitiful

– someone or something that is extremely disorganized and/or in need of much improvement

– a delicious sandwich consisting of an unexpected combination of pimento cheese, monterey jack, banana peppers, chorizo, fried egg and Sriracha mayo on white bread

Personally, unless her new gimmick is Sexy Sandwich Lady, I’m a little offended on her behalf. I can only hope that next week we get an ongoing segment of her browsing the internet, reading some of these definitions, and laying out Brooke Hogan for making her catchphrase something that means she’s crazy gross and mentally unstable, but also means dude jizz.

Best: Speaking of hot messes…

‘sup, ODB. I dig your Sable tank top and want to know where you got those sweet pair of Dickies. I also miss your shenanigans and wish that Eric Young wasn’t busy frottaging lake trout so you could defend those Knockout Tag Titles no one remembers you have. You’re a real crazybutt mess and you know it, and I appreciate what little you do these days.

Worst: Taryn Terrell, do not speak ever

Taryn Terrell, do not speak ever. If Human Verbal Sexual Harassment Machine Tazz is no-selling your question of “Who wants to get physical with me?” as you slap Christy Hemme’s butt, it’s time to call your best get-a-grip friend, put on some pants, and review your life choices.

Worst: Gut Check, more like BUTT CHECK, AMIRITE

These are the dirt worst. Remember when these actually served a storyline purpose of letting Aces & Eights stack the roster with anti-Kurt Angle leather enthusiasts? They were still bad, but hey, at least they led to something other than having a bunch of people you’ve already forgotten about compete on a One Night Only PPV only to be outshone by a dubstep video package. Forcing a live crowd to sit through meandering excuses and Bruce Pritchard’s multi-lingual douchebaggery is a sure way to kill any momentum the show may have had. Stretching out the decision over three (THREE) separate segments is one of those moments that leads me to turn off TNA, throw up my hands, then look at the image search results for “cute animal hugs” until I feel better.

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