Worst: Dolph Ziggler Losing Clean Immediately After The Hottest Title Change In Years Is A Great Idea
In the third instance of a champion losing a match on this one goddamn episode of Raw, some in-ring attacking and backstage political maneuvering from Teddy Long sees Jack Swagger take Alberto Del Rio’s place in a World Heavyweight Championship rematch against new champ Dolph Ziggler.
The match itself was fine, but holy shit, what in the world happened to this Raw? Jack Swagger lost a World Title match at WrestleMania, then lost a HANDICAP match against Alberto Del Rio the next night on Raw. What happens this week? HE PINS THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, WHO IS A DIFFERENT GUY. The new champion, who just won the title on the previous Raw, who desperately needs to look cool and legitimate to capitalize on his massive, singular crowd reaction.
I should’ve just done six pages of the monkey pissing into his own mouth. WWE doing the “guy pins champion in non-title match to earn a title shot” would earn a Worst in any normal column. This is the second time they did it on this show, AND IT WOULD NOT BE THE LAST.
Worst: Alberto Del Rio Attacks Swagger For Losing To Him Fairly
Alberto Del Rio is officially a WWE babyface. Last night, he attacked Jack Swagger from behind on the ramp, kicked him off the stage and put him in an armbreaker while hanging from said stage. Why? Because Swagger “cost him the World Heavyweight Championship” last week. How did Swagger do that, you may ask?
Jack Swagger had a match with Del Rio at WrestleMania. Swagger uses an ankle lock to finish people, so he worked Del Rio’s leg. He lost, but he got another sanctioned match on Raw and continued to work the leg. Del Rio won that, too. Dolph Ziggler cashed in his fairly-earned, canonically-legit Money in the Bank briefcase, took advantage of the leg work, and won the belt.
How is this Jack Swagger’s fault? He’s a pro wrestler. The idea is that he’s supposed to try to hurt you and win. If you’re Del Rio, shouldn’t your beef be with the guy who cashed-in his title shot in an opportunistic manner and took advantage of you? Del Rio is that guy who finds out his girlfriend has been cheating on him and blames the other guy.
Best: Mark Henry, Summoned By My Sadness
MARK HENRY, APPEAR AND MAKE THIS RAW BETTER FOR ME
Making Raw good for me. THAT’S WHAT HE DOES.
Best/Worst: The Punk Segment Was Fine, But Damn, This Has Been A Boring Show And I Wanted Something Good
CM Punk lost to the Undertaker, lost his smile, and is taking some time off to heal up his body. Sadly he is not on a ton of steroids like The Rock and cannot rip in half his upper and lower bodies and start lifting weights three days later.
I thought the segment was effective and well done, but man, after the shitshow that Raw had been, I wanted something dynamic from Punk. I wanted him to launch into a new thing, take me somewhere new against somebody else, redirect, refocus. I get that he needs some time off and that’s great, but it says something for Punk’s presence on the show that I sorta subconsciously expected him to bail me out.
More Raws should feature people hugging Paul Heyman, and fewer should feature him being held down on a table and slapped in the tits.
Worst: And Now, A Third Champion Loses A Non-Title Match
Divas Champion Kaitlyn lost, you guessed it, a non-title match to challenger Nikki Bella. The worst part is that … well, the worst part is that this was the FOURTH f**king champion to lose a match on Raw, and the third in a row to lose a non-title match to set up a title match. You could hear it in Cole’s voice when the Bellas entered. “A win for Nikki Bella here would … sigh, put her in the title hunt.”
But the other worst part is that the Bellas won with Twin Magic, a thing that should not work now that one of them has breast implants and they are wearing different shoes and so on and so forth, followed by the announcers NOTING how stupid you have to be to fall for post-plastic surgery Twin Magic, followed by the announcers identifying the Bellas by the cup size.
F**k this Raw, seriously. F**k the entire thing.