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The Dugout: Me and Yu and Everyone We Know

By / 04.03.13

Yu Darvish perfect game

Hey guys, what’s going on in this chatroom?

Baseball season is officially underway, and with it comes the return of The Dugout, the long-running, critically-acclaimed thing we do sometimes where baseball players curse at each other in a chatroom. We’ve been doing it so long, when we started people still used chatrooms.

Anyway, the big MLB news of the day is Yu Darvish and his perfect almost perfect game.

The Texas Rangers’ right-hander struck out 14 batters in 8 2/3 innings before yielding a ground ball up the middle to Houston Astros shortstop Marwin Gonzalez. He threw 111 pitches, 78 for strikes, before manager Ron Washington pulled him. The Rangers won 7-0. (via USA today)

If you missed the game, here’s a verbatim reenactment of the final inning. The Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

 

**Online Host**
Welcome to the Texas Rangers VS. Houston Astros 9th Inning Chatroom!!

 
BoomBoomWashington: I know you’re three outs from a perfect game, but you’re up against the worst three hitters from the Houston Astros … this is what they mean when they say “the show”  
HurlingDarvish:  
BoomBoomWashington: don’t care, all I wanna see is electric fastballs and wipeout sliders

if it sounds like something you can order off a guy fieri menu i want you to throw that shit you feel me

 
HurlingDarvish:  
BoomBoomWashington: holla holla /pats ass  
CastroFateToTheWind: wehhh /steps into batters box  
HurlingDarvish: hel lo  
CastroFateToTheWind: AAAH AAAH /swings
/loses control of bat
/bat rolls toward shortstop
 
 

**Online Host**
CastroFateToTheWind has just been considered an out.

 
CorporanPunishment: /crawls into batters box, covers head  
BoomBoomWashington: is your whole team just shitty catchers  
HurlingDarvish: /throws slider  
CorporanPunishment: /runs back into dugout, jumps headfirst into trashcan  
 

**Online Host**
HurlingDarvish is now one out away from a Perfect Game.

 
BoomBoomWashington: aight yu, astros player #9, this is literally the worst possible guy in Major League Baseball, just lay the ball on the damn ground and roll it at him, we should be fine  
FworiaMarwin: /steps up to the plate for the first time ever, probably  
HurlingDarvish: /throws 26th pitch of the night  
FworidaMarwin: /drives ball up the middle into center  
 

**Online Host**
30 Years Later

 
FworidaMarwin: and that, my beautiful grandchildren, is how I broke up a Perfect Game!  
Grandchild: LOL his name was “yu”  
OtherGrandchild: like “you,” but spelt different!!!  
FworidaMarwin: yes but that is probably the least important part of what I was talking about…  
Grandchild: its so funny! “oh no yu didn’t!!”  
OtherGrandchild: YU ARE DISAPPOINTED  
Grandchild: YU WANTED A PERFECT GAME BUT YU DIDN’T GET ONE  
OtherGrandchild: loool it sounds just like “you”  
FworidaMarwin: guys, seriously  
Grandchild: YU WANTED A PERFECT GAME BUT YU DIDN’T GET ONE  
OtherGrandchild: yu messed up  
Grandchild: hahaha i could literally do this all day  
OtherGrandchild: YU THIS ALL DAY  
FworidaMarwin: what is wrong with you  
Grandchild: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YU  
 

**Online Host**
30 Years Later

 
FworidaMarwin: and that, my beautiful great grandchildren, is how I broke up a Perfect Game!  
GreatGrandchild: mawm told me pidchers name was ‘you’  
FworidaMarwin: oh lord  
OtherGreatGrandchild: those headlines must have been so amazing!!!!  
GreatGrandchild: YU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YU WANTS  
OtherGreatGrandchild: no soup for yu!!!!  
FworidaMarwin: how is that even a reference you get, it is 2073  
OtherGreatGrandchild: all we do in the future is sit around reading usa today  
GreatGrandchild: yu mad  
FworidaMarwin: MY CONTRIBUTIONS TO LIFE WERE IMPORTANT  
GreatGrandchild: we love yu great grampaw  
OtherGreatGrandchild: yu was good at baseball  
FworidaMarwin: /hangs self  
 

**Online Host**
Welcome to the Gates Of Heaven Chatroom!!

 
FworidaMarwin: ugh, thank you. Finally, I’m free!  
StPeter: /is grinning his ass off  
FworidaMarwin: motherf**ker  
Photos link to player info. The Dugout

TOPICS#MLB
TAGSBaseballCARLOS CORPORANHOUSTON ASTROSJASON CASTROMARWIN GONZALEZPERFECT GAMESRON WASHINGTONTEXAS RANGERSTHE DUGOUTYU DARVISH

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