Because no one has demanded that someone buy them some Cracker Jacks at a ballgame in quite some time, the folks at PepsiCo’s Frito-Lay have decided to reinvent the ballpark snack of old, in order to appeal to younger fans. The first step? Giving the snack a brand new name that is edgier and more in-our-faces – Cracker Jack’d. BOO YA MUTHA TRUCKAS! Sh*t just got reallllllllllz, yo.
So why now? Why revive this ancient beast when there are literally millions of other things that we can put in our mouths?
The company is targeting younger customers, claiming they weren’t connecting with the old-timey caramel corn and peanut product.
“The product as it stands … isn’t relevant to them,” said Dave Skena, vice president of marketing for Frito-Lay. “Younger folks want more intense flavors and a wider variety of textures.” (Via the Huff to the Pizzo)
That’s right, we want intense flavors. We don’t want sour cream and onion. We want POWER CREAM AND F*CKING FUNYUNS! That’s why Cracker Jack’d will feature new flavors like PB & Chocolate (so radical it doesn’t spell out peanut butter), Berry Yogurt (how about BROGURT for short?), Buffalo Ranch and Spicy Pizzeria. I don’t know about you bros, but those still sound pretty lame. So I made my own list of flavor ideas that will totally f*cking rock your bullsh*t face into the sun.
Fireball Salsa 69 Awesome Sauce
Radical Lava Broken Condom Sour Apple
Chipotle Beer Bong Hell Week Nacho
Double Fisting Shot Glass Watermelon Bomb
Spicy B-Hole Mount Vesuvius Pineapple
And many more. Also, each bag of Cracker Jack’d comes with a little person on a skateboard who punches you in the balls and sets your house on fire, because, “F*CK YOU, IT’S RADICAL TO THE EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!” and other such buzzwords.