Prior to this past weekend’s U.S. Open Championship, I’d never heard of Billy Horschel and even then I was only able to learn that he is “some dude from UF”, per one of my more tuned-in PGA fan friends. However, Horschel quickly became a household name yesterday, but not because he played smart and tough enough to finish tied for fourth. It’s because he wore a pair of pants that had octopuses all over them.
Horschel’s clothes were provided by RLX, which is Ralph Lauren’s fancy pants golf line, and the culmination of the company’s efforts arrived yesterday morning with a huge Cephalopoda statement that had the Intertubes and the Twitters a-buzzin’. Of course, a lot of people scoffed at Horschel’s chosen pants, but not I. For they are the greatest golf pants that I have ever seen and I love them.
In fact, I love them so much that I wrote a poem to the RLX octopus pants.
Hey there, octopus pants
Don’t spray ink on me, I want to be best friends
How’s it going, octopus pants?
Join me for a round of golf, I hope it never ends
How’d you get so blue, octopus pants?
Are you sad? Do you miss the sea?
How’d you get so white, octopus?
Are you scared? You can feel safe with me
I’d like to wear you every day, octopus pants
To weddings, bar mitzvahs and even to the mall
I’d like to wear you every season, octopus pants
In winter, summer, spring and fall
When will you go on sale, octopus pants?
I’d like to buy you online and pay for two-day shipping
Or will you be available in stores, octopus pants?
I’d like to wear you home, so everyone can see us together, skipping
I promise to keep you dry clean only, octopus pants
You’re probably very expensive so I want to make sure you last
I’ll even keep you hung up in the plastic, octopus pants
I promise you, best friend, that we will have a blast.
I love you, octopus pants.
(GIF via The Score)