Former NBA star and leading man of movies about little people playing basketball Dennis Rodman graces the cover of the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, which is also the “Where are they now?” summer double issue. Rodman, of course, isn’t a difficult subject for such a question, as we know that he’s often either in a DJ booth, at a Las Vegas pool party or in the lounge named for him at Cheetahs gentlemen’s club in New York.
And we also know that he took a little trip to North Korea earlier this year to watch some basketball with Kim Jong-Un, the Harlem Globetrotters and HBO’s Vice. Upon his return, Rodman tried to play the diplomat game, which he was wholly unprepared for, but that hasn’t stopped him from making it his life’s ambition to broker peace between the U.S. and North Korea.
He also wants a Nobel Peace Prize for what he’s already done, which is nothing, but he’s very serious.
“Fact is, he hasn’t bombed anywhere he’s threatened to yet. Not South Korea, not Hawaii, not … whatever. People say he’s the worst guy in the world. All I know is Kim told me he doesn’t want to go to war with America. His whole deal is to talk basketball with Obama. Unfortunately, Obama doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. I ask, Mr. President, what’s the harm in a simple phone call? This is a new age, man. Come on, Obama, reach out to Kim and be his friend.”
You see, he’s not a bad guy if he’s only making threats. For example, if I threaten to blow up an orphanage, you can’t arrest me or run news stories about how horrible of a person I am, because I haven’t done it. The only reason that Kim Jong-Un is threatening to do anything bad is because he wants the U.S. to give him a bunch of free stuff because people in his country are starving because the government has no resources and has resorted to selling crystal meth.
But because Kim hasn’t followed through on any of his threats to bomb innocent people, he’s just misunderstood. And it also has nothing to do with the fact that his missiles are pathetic and can’t reach anything.
“My mission is to break the ice between hostile countries,” Rodman says. “Why it’s been left to me to smooth things over, I don’t know. Dennis Rodman, of all people. Keeping us safe is really not my job; it’s the black guy’s [Obama's] job. But I’ll tell you this: If I don’t finish in the top three for the next Nobel Peace Prize, something’s seriously wrong.”
Jesus Christ. This f*cking guy.
Rodman also claims that he’s going back to North Korea in August to convince his misunderstood pal to let American businessman Kenneth Bae go. Maybe Rodman learned about Bae’s story and 15-year sentence over accusations that he “tried to topple the North Korean government” from these people who protested outside of Cheetahs.